Loving the rain.
Loving no answering machine.
Loving hot decaffeinated tea.

Hating this cold I have. It is kicking my ass.

Kind of weird - I haven't checked her blog for awhile - hadn't felt like writing in mine - and then bam - i get on and she wrote yesterday.....the cosmos is weird I say...just weird....

I'm full on this roller coaster of life and I'm scared and excited all at the same time.

I'm going to hate sharing that evening....I want her all to myself, but I know others love her and like to see her....so I can't be selfish...

I'm so annoyed with the bro it is crazy - I want to know and be there and help - but in a way i'm glad he is shutting us out - i hope only for now..... we have never been so distant....i'm going from the irritation stage to the angry stage - to the very sad and disappointed stage...i've never been so happy and sad not to be on facebook...he probably would have canceled me as a friend anyway....

I feel like I may be getting sick - not really a good time for that right now....

Any respect I had is now gone. Now I need a pair of nuts and be prepared cause I can only handle so much.

Fuck You!

He is right I am worried about how this effects me and Brad, first. His needs are secondary. My family comes first.

Fuck You!

Headache and awake - my own dam fault.  We drank like fish last night.  It was a good night - lots of hot tubing, talking and laughing.  Would miss that if I were to pop one out, but I think other things would make up for it.  It is hard to let go of doing what we did last night - although we could do it - just less often.  We decided that we will continue to stick with the original plan and if need be - change it. 

Brad put ribs in the crock pot overnight - they smell wonderful and I hate ribs.

The senior exam is the 7th - not really nervous - actually - not even thinking about it.  It is what it is.  I should be preparing for it - not sure how though....

not sure what to do with all these days off.  I have housework to do - plus I need  to get the guest room clean for Pauline.  I'm glad she is staying the night.

I can't believe  how awake I am right now....DAM DRINK.

Not sure what my life is suppose to be like.  All I want is for the people around me to be happy, as well as wanting my own happiness.  I find myself feeling guilty when I am happy.  Like this can't be right.  I must be getting something wrong. I don't think I am....  I think my anticipation of unhappiness makes me unhappy.  If that makes sense.

He called me at work - it was like a 5-year old at Christmas.  His dream tank came - he was so excited.  It was the same excitement as when I got my BMW.  It was refreshing - to see him like that.  I said "won't your folks go nuts."  He said my folks will think it is cool but that I went nuts, but that you were nuttier for letting it happen.  I think it is great that we are just going for it.... yeah - it was one of our dumb financial mistakes - we should be saving for...blah blah blah....he asked if I regret we did it.  I said hell no....what makes him happy - makes me happy...I smile typing that.

The tax guy will kill us if we end up pregnant - we laugh we will need to give him a gift basket....

I think I expect too much from people and myself. The dreams don't stop.

Sometimes I wish I could take my best friend and move to an island. I know I woud miss hm but really.

Let him be okay. She shouldn't have to go through a loss like this. I hadn't seen him in a few years, but lately he has been around. He is an engineer. She has said several times I remind her of him. He has nobody. That is what she kept saying, but they won't let her see him. He stresses too much she says.

I pray for him to be okay.

The good thing it takes my mind away from myself and also makes me grateful of the people in my life.

I must have told Brad I Love You a million times last when we settled in our bed. He comes through more than anyone else in my life.

I was just thinking yesturday while making dinner how lucky I was to have my family.

He hasn't told anyone in the family but us. I think it should stay like that for a bit. At least keep it from my parents.

I need to quit worrying about money. The more I make the more I spend.

My mind is racing - I have a headache - and I can't sleep. Guess tomorrow is Monday. Reading a book that finally got good but am scared I'll stay up too long reading it! Only a few hundred pages to go.

Did some drawing today. Only one came out fairly well - I guess. I'm thinking about scanning them and then doing something with them. I won't feel really good until I draw something from my head but that could be awhile. I know I'm not gifted but I find it very relaxing.

Working a new blog - season 2 in my head. Not there yet but it will come!

Trying to describe my current duties on paper is hard. I think I'm more than I am. I make fun of people like that but I may be one. Brad recommended I drink and then just write - "I'm the shit bitch" lol lol gosta love him!

I was told I was an over achiever - my response back was that if I was an over achiever - I'd be a better wife.

We are going as a unit - except the boss- to work the Fresno fair! It feels good to have some comradarie in the unit. We've never done this. If I become a boss - I want to promote some of that. But just a little.

Today was a rough day.

Letter To Hilary

So - this is what I want to send to Hilary...what do you think.....I may wait until after this HIGH and after my parents wedding anniversary in January.


Dear Hilary,


I want to write to you so that you can understand where I am coming from, and that you don’t hear this from anyone else but me.

There are several times you have hurt me, and it has nothing to do with you not coming to “my parties.” In fact the idea that you think they are “my parties,” hurts me. I open my home to our family so we can be a family. Dena’s bridal shower was not “my party” but hers. I have always opened my home to you and Sam for holidays and otherwise.


First off, I wasn’t upset about not being “the guestbook” person at your wedding, but because we weren’t sisters – I was slave labor. All of your sister’s were. We weren’t there to share an experience – we were there to be your help. But I’m not sure I remember you helping at mine or Heidi’s but I don’t want to be petty. So, obviously we don’t stress you out when we are your help. We didn’t all come together and just acknowledge this big day with you, but instead were avoided. I didn’t come to your rehearsal dinner because I wasn’t going to be there as family but to help setup. I didn’t want to be part of the wedding, but I did want to be part of your life. Don’t get me wrong – I would have loved to help – shoot – Pauline extended herself several times, but we weren’t asked until the last minute… at that time – I didn’t want to help. It was very clear at your bridal shower that you didn’t want your sister’s involved, and that hurt – it actually stung. I left the shower embarrassed and hurt.


I don’t want to sit and list things. I know mentally things can be hard for you, and frankly – I’ve always had sympathy– but not now – I’m tired. So, sorry if I haven’t been there for you, or made an extra effort to make sure you are included in my life, or our family’s life.


I hope this letter will actually help us come together, and not further separate us. If it does, I am truly sorry, but I wanted to let you know where I was coming from.

Love you always,


Alexis

I refuse to start Sunday listening to sports center!

I hate that it gets light later. It is 6:30am. I want my coffee in the light.

I'm marking my calendar!!!!

I think I need to be like everyone else - not sure what that means - but I see something I may want - and it is truly disturbing me....

I hope I get a good nights sleep - I'm sure that between the alcohol and caffeine is causing some of this insomnia.  I am working on significantly reducing both with mixed results.

Opened a bottle of wine for the blog - had the one or two sips and then threw it out....didn't feel right....

I'm so tired today. Not sure if it because I'm coming down from the weekend or just tired. One more event then I'm done for awhile.

WOW - what a week, what a last few weeks.  Still processing.  Going to get together again on Thursday.  Miss my siblings or at least most of them.  Nice to be surrounded by family.  Last night we all sat around at the reception with her (none of their friends really came) and our families and played spoons - the card game... it reminded me so much of when i was a kid - game night - it was awesome...definitely something to put in my memory...

Everything went well.... I'm trying to stay positive.  However, I don't understand some people and how much they could care less or are inconsiderate.  Didn't anybody teach these people manners...really... at least i can say that about our family - we may not treat each other or other family members that great at times, but we for the most part are considerate to others, and never take advantage of others.....lots of people weren't raised right.......

Zane has my temper - kind of nuts...

Brad couldn't have been any better....but i knew that.... he rolls with the punches....seeing how much I get involved when it comes to certain people in my family.  i'm lucky and this weekend even proved it more.... However, now that the house is finally empty - it is nice to focus my life again....not sure how to explain it.

Life just keeps moving and i keep trying to keep up and stay positive.....not look back and try not to look forward.

we had a family meeting - i did ask that all my siblings help (with the exception of hilary) when the time comes for my folks.... Heidi said well why did they give you the responsibility of their will and wishes if you are such a spaz.  After the sting wore off, i remindered her that in an immediate situation, i have the job and lifestyle that renders me to have the ability to drop everything and will be there for family and mom and dad, but i am not super woman....and family is suppose to support....actually, murry smiled and defended me a bit - he was the only other one that dropped EVERYTHING for my Mom and for me....I asked for help - and he came through - and i will always be grateful....anyway - family is weird but i'm lucky to have the one i have - even with all the drama....but now i'm rambling - and i haven't even been drinking!

I didn't realize how many times the radio station repeats the same songs....

My Mom gave me these African Violets and a bunch of them bloomed.  They are all over my bedroom.  My Mom has given me some awesome plants that I cherish.  Wish I had more - it seems like the ones my Mom give me I take better care of - I haven't had one die yet.....

Playing with rejoining facebook. Sigh. I will be picky this time. Very content right now.

Was hard knowing she was close but understood. Miss her like crazy.

I think we may do it. Feels right.

I've sort of been nesting. Weird really. Been very patient lately. Cleaned a bunch of stuff and took my time. Weird really.

Need to draw.

Asked by the supervisor today if I was going to take the senior exam when it is offered. I said NO. He said yes - and I said but it would be stupid if I didn't. If my boss moved up and I took his place - he could still be my boss. Anyway - I told him frankly after this week I've had I don't feel I have the technical skill or the disposition to supervise. He laughed and walked out. I proceeded to have a full fledge panic attack.

I have no desire to promote. May not have a "choice". Although of course I have a choice. Maybe I don't know what I want. I may not even have much of a chance of getting the job. I just want to learn more without being a sup.

Have had a headache three days strait. Can't sleep. Waiting for my itouch to run out of batteries. Should read instead of watching things on my touch. Maybe sleep would come. Want to call in sick tomorrow but don't have the nerve.

Thinking to much.

Been meaning to blog again - but just can't do it.... sitting in front of a computer for any other reason than to make a blog for a friend exhausts me....all day on one makes me not want to even come close to one at home.  I like my touch - it feels different, but to write is trying.

Having weird dreams of shakespeare, conveyance channel design, and family issues... all mingled into one.  weird really.  obviously i'm sorting shit out.

I think i'm  more complex than I really am - it sort of saddens me....

smells like tuna - it shouldn't...

Brad's Mom got weird about Brad not going to Ashland - had to go on about the book of Shakespeare she got him during high school and how much he was into it.... i NEVER thought Brad wouldn't appreciate and enjoy Shakespeare - just not a whole weekend of it.... it is funny that they think i don't think he is "worldly".  they have always done that - i happen to think he is one of the smartest people I know with more knowledge about all kinds of stuff than I would ever know....  i like that he let's me have my time....and that we can still enjoy some stuff together....anyway, brad started laughing and said - i can do one Shakespeare play, and in high school i read some - but mom is the one that took it to new heights....anyway - if i have children - i don't want to do that.... i want my kids to be into whatever they want.......just as long as they enjoy it....it doesn't matter what people say or think as "worldly" - whatever the fuck that means.... i'm far from worldly - but i have all my teeth - barely!

Life is unexSpecting and sometimes I hate it.

Went to a local musical with my sister. It was a fundraiser. Props to good company players. It was awsome and very entertaining. Real should support local theatre here. I saw a few old classmates on the theatre lobby wall.

Weekends

What started out as a crap start of a weekend turned out to be okay.... I am my own worst enemy - but who isn't.  Wasn't going to drink tonight - but decided hey why not - just opened one now so I can't drink that much before bed - famous last words. 

Need to re-watch  a few movies.... been doing a lot of series - Bones - which I think may be my favorite all time series....it is everything I need in a series - sexual tension - laughter - science... went back to 24 series - not the same but still somewhat addicting.  i'm finding i like watching series way later in bulk....i'm going to try nip and tuck next.

Still doing the gym but not seeing much result - my mood isn't much better - and my body certainly isn't - except for endurance.  I can go on the machines much longer and easier - so i guess that is good.  I also tend to like my body a bit more even though if there is change - it is subtle...  my sister wants to give me diet and exercise advice cause i'm slow on the losing - i don't mind most of the time - but sometimes i want to hit her.... i don't want to be much smaller than I am....i don't want to change my lifestyle that much - i just want to get my heart rate up and slim a little....so i guess i shouldn't bitch - it is what i'm doing now....anyway - it is funny....weight loss... i almost feel bad for having a somewhat good body imagine - now how fucked up is that!!! LOL

I'm hoping to get back to bloggin'.  weird month - weird summer but it beats trips to radiation with my sister anyday!

Feeling a bit insecure and anxious this evening. Felt it alot of the weekend. i keep thinking shields up. Not sure why. Last night I was sure I was going insane. My mind full of paranoid thoughts.

I think he is making a big mistake. But he has to learn himself.

Kids are treated as second thoughts. Not sure why these people procreate.

Two Hours

I spent two hours on the phone with my old friend from work....two hours....I miss her but in a weird way... she asked a favor that i would of course do - it was the sort of favor that any good friend would do without thinking.  I don't know whether I'm surprised that she called me or happy.  she said she only feels she can be honest with me because I don't judge her - at least to her face - anyway - i sometimes feel like a poser.  I am always honest with my friends, but I certainly judge, i think it is human to do so.  Anyway, just  got me thinking again about my take on friendship and what it means to me and why I have so few friends.  I normally hate people, but I find myself being very social - so i tend to attract as well.  then I'm left with either the ones I want to become friends with rejecting me and the ones that i could care less about attracted to me...weird really.  I am feeling a bit bad about the one girl at work.  I have gotten rude.  I have told her several times that I don't do friendship well - i like my time to myself, and don't want to be bothered, but then i go and hang with Amanda.  I figure i make her feel like shit, but don't want to "lead" her on with a fake nice...anyway - all i need are the few people I have....i think...

i think i may be too responsible....LOL

i'm rambling - need to go to bed...

Business Meeting?

I thought about bloggin' about my Dad, but he isn't on the forefront on my mind....last night is....

I had one of the nights that remind me of why I got married, and why I married who I did.  The day was nice - a trip to the gym - then a breakfast burrito that we split in half (trying to watch the calories a little), - a quick trip to Sacramento to our favorite burger joint (didn't split that burger) - several trips later to different pet stores - then home - a trip to the ice cream store (for a late b-day gift of ice cream) - and then a night in the hot tub with a few beers...and then use your imagination for the rest...but he claims I raped him - i swear it was consensual.

I was happy the whole frickin' time...we talked about money and finance's - goals - and just simple things...laughed....kissed....laughed some more...my mind never wavered even when there was  brief mention of children....it felt natural.  I want to say like when we first met but that wouldn't do it justice.  Although we have passion, it is much different now - it is sort of better - back in the day - all i wanted was the physical him with a little emotional him - now i want emotional him with a little physical...last night i felt like we knew each other forever....i'm not reading into last night or do my usual "what if" - I'm going to relish it - cherish it - and keep it untainted in my memories....

I paid for the 3 hours in the hot tub - we spent a while the night before as well....anyway - have a rash this morning...it is so worth the discomfort but i'll be staying out of the hot tub for awhile.

skippin the gym today...brad is taking care of pauline's dogs (she is in italy)....so i have a few hours this morning to reflect - then i'm going to do some housework....

does the weekend need to end?

I miss facebook for only 1 reason....and she knows her name.

enjoying my last furlough day - at least officially - maybe it will be re-instated.  It will suck when we have to work 5-days for less pay - but I have a job so I shouldn't complain too much.

Reading blogs while my video blog is processing.....grateful for the blogs...always in my thoughts...

Getting back to reality again feels sort of good.

The pounds are finally starting to leave this body - if only a few.  I looked like a fat stepford wife and the wedding.  Never cared how I really look - that much - but DAM.  actually - the bad thing about the video blog is I now know some of the silly faces i make....so now when i'm at work I'm like - oh shit - i just made that face...then laugh to myself and say what the fuck!

I bought a $5 t-shirt at target that says "I want you to...pull my finger"  I got it at lunch while at work - i couldn't stop laughing - my co-worker had thought I lost my mind.  I think i was meant to be a 13 boy forever...i'm sorry - i can't be too serious or grownup...i don't do it well...

Really?

In my eagerness to please I go and make something out of nothing and now it's almost 11:30 pm and I can't sleep. I'm extremely selfish and I let my anger and pettiness get in the way! I broke every single promise to myself. It all started because people wouldn't give me space but also cause I am deep down a drama queen! It was a crappy day to be sober. The nuts thing is this whole thing wasn't worth me loosing sleep. I also shouldn't go to bed with my itouch!

Sister Gone......

Where to start - I've had more emotions in the last week than I have in a full year.  Laughed a lot - cried a little - and learned nothing....

Family is weird.  The wedding wasn't real - it was like we were all in a bad dream.  It didn't feel loving.  I was a slave not a sister.  I was barked at...we weren't told anything...it was a mess....I lost it right before the wedding was going to start...waiting to connect to a sister that was going to make a big decision.  We weren't part of anything.  We didn't feel like a family.  I told the soon to be new sister-in-law, that this is not a Phillips gathering.  This is not our family and this is not how we get together.  None of us wanted to be there.  I'm glad I went, but I didn't want to be there.  Anyway - my other sister's and my bro and his new instant family came over to the house for beer and venting....several hours later, and finally at 1 am people (except my sister) left... it was nice - I love my family.  I love how we can be mad one minute and laugh our asses off the next.  Hilary never could do that.  Everything was personal.  I want to punch her, and not ever make contact again, if I did - it would be cruel.  I can't be cruel....I will talk to her again, but I WILL NEVER TRY AND GET CLOSE.  It will be polite (unless she says something about us not helping her), and cordial.  She and her new husband will always be invited for holidays, although now she "has a man," she really won't need us - until he fucks her over - and I'm sure that will happen....and we will take her back and she will then proceed to walk all over us again.

Like one sister said - "she always plays the victim."  She always has, and always will....

I just re-read this - thinking why I am posting this shit...blah blah....I need too.  i'll likely delete it later, but I needed to write it.  After 5 pm today, I'm am ridding myself of this negativity, and not looking back, because frankly, it isn't worth it.

Socialization is Over-rated

I have a full week this week until Sunday.  I don't feel good about it - but know it is a nessassary evil.  I can't wait until my time is my time.

Met her yesturday - seems okay - trying not to judge....but still do.  She better not break his heart - or I'll break her face.  I'm worried about the kid(s)? involved...she's not sure where the hell she fits into things...

Random thoughts tonight - should of gone to the gym.  It keeps the neurons from firing.

I need to take advantage and buy some movies and shit but am having a hard time deciding - not careful it will be x-mas before I use it all...

I need to quit having these dam sex dreams - they are pissing me off...try not to read into them cause if I - dam - I'm messed up!

Brad is the king of watching bad sci-fi and horror movies - couldn't sit through wall-e but can sit through movies like "big shark" and shit like that..... "bad kitty" FOREVER...ran into that stationary yesturday and laughed my ASS OFF.

Saturdays

I said 'no' to my sister's rehearsal dinner. She is a punk - sorry - can't help it. Didn't even have to make an excuse and lie (cause I couldn't do that). Just said "sorry - I can't make it." I know my parents will be disappointed, but really - she only invited us because of my parents, I'm sure of that. I will go to the wedding and be a good sister for my parents, I don't need to do the dinner before. We aren't in the wedding - oh wait - I'm doing the guestbook. Anyway, I'm happy with my decision. I thought about it for a few hours before responding to her message so I wouldn't do something I would regret. The funny thing - she didn't even question me. I'm glad. It is -What - it is.

So, I'm putting together a meal for everyone tomorrow - to meet Dena. Actually relaxed. So this is good.

I am reminded again that my parents are only human. Thank you my friend for reminding me of that. Cause that shit helps A LOT.

Old Habits

Couldn't resist taking a day off at the gym to relax and drink some beer....cause hard habits are hard to break baby....

I got defensive today...i hate people who label other people without knowing them, whether it be a socialist, a communists or a marxists. I heard some stuff today that made me think but I didn't dare admit it. I think I'm more closed minded then I first thought. I need to look into this deal of Internet "censorship" before I make a ruling. Do I even really care? People only care if it affects their "status"...Although I could be bias. Maybe I'm too weak to take any kind of stance. I consider myself everything, but probably more liberal than anything....but what does that really mean. I had a great conversation with my best friend who actually made me think about what I really believe. I don't get to have those conversations very often - why - because I don't believe in most of the people that are around me (discounting of course Brad). Although Brad can be harsh - he is not cruel, and is certainly not worried about his "place in society." I just find myself misinformed and speechless....

I drank too much last night - feeling a bit guilty today about it.

Turned 35 today. I don't mind growing older but I hate the dam day - the expectations. I'm not talking about gifts, or things but the fact that my parents never called or sent a card hurts me A LOT. Brad's folks send me a card each year. Anyway, I'm trying to not let it bother me, but it does. My sister Hilary had her "fiance" call on her behalf to wish me a happy birthday...because she was "sick." Oh she is going to make this next step for me easy.

I'm going to try and end this evening with good thoughts. Remind myself that it is only a birthday - Mom and Dad love me unconditionally, they just get busy and forgetful.

I need to figure this shit out - I'm kind of feeling numb and in limbo. I think my thoughts of western society are changing - not sure I like what I see. I like that I have choices. I can't imagine not having that. The thought makes me not breath. I've never thought this country was the best, but I've never thought ill will of it (okay maybe 8 years of Bush), but even then I thrived. I'm told that California is a state of "cold" people. People that don't care about community or family. It is kind of true - and I like it - but I wonder how I would like it if I knew differently.

I'm struggling....with my own fate.....

Miss Him

He was a different kind of cool. I will miss his usual noises, his mild demeanour, his philosophical comments and discussion, his love of his god, his weird sense of humor, and his brain. Good luck sir - may your kindness be seen, and your taught slickness shine through.

"Be Patient" he said to me daily - but only as a joke.

I won't get attached to the next co-worker roomie....NOT....I can only dream.

I can't believe how much fun I have in front of the computer making silly v-blogs... it brings me a joy I haven't felt in a long time. Sounds weird but almost what I experienced when playing the violin. I miss that feeling. I don't like to play by myself - I like to re-create music with others. I always got a high from it. I cried when I played what I knew would be my last concert. I think that is why I hated moving to Strathmore. No orchestra - no music - nobody creative. It was a bunch of hicks. Sad to say - but true. I'm not saying i'm artsy fartsy or even talented, but I like being around people who are, and I like to try to be... I don't keep in contact with ONE friend who knew that part of me. It is like I don't want to welcome it back. Shoot - Brad hasn't even seen it. Glimpses maybe, but that is it. I have always wanted to rekindle this part of me. Not sure why I won't. It would likely bring me peace and joy....mmmmm

Anyway, until then, I continue to do healthy things that make me smile. My sisters thought I had too much time on my hands to do the video blog - I say - you have too much time not too.

Facebook Mourn

I did it - I de-activated it. I went back and forth and got to the last step several times during the last two weeks, and finally I did. There was nothing in particular that "sent me over the edge." Last Friday's bullying and my teenage behavior definitely contributed but that wasn't the end all be all. I kept looking at my "friends" list...the only people I wanted to keep were my family, and Dayna, and her friends....I really like that group. I did seem like a bit of a voyeur but not in a bad or unwelcome way - not at all. Made me wish I had friends like that. The other side of my friends - I didn't want to just drop - although I should of. I am finding besides one person, I don't want daily contact with my friends particularly from Strathmore....I feel out of touch and don't have the same interests. I feel self conscious. These are feelings that I try not to have. I pride myself on being confident, uninhibited (in the most responsible sense of the term).

I have made a decision that I will likely keep - because bloggin this feels way better than checking for dam posts.

A Successful Marriage

This is what my sister's and I put together to give to my other sister at her bridal shower. Each saying was put on a separate heart, with the word on one side, and the saying on the other. We each took turns saying them out loud to her, then put them in a box for her keeping. I was told that I am too engineer like because I didn't like that things weren't in a bulleted list or when I kept saying that things weren't parallel (still aren't!)...the bulleted list is engineer, but the other is just common sense.... I started out with a 10 item list that was more funny, but then my sister's and I revised it. It was sort of funny because Heidi kept saying she didn't know how to word things, and frankly - she had some of the best ones! Our word savvy sister is too mushy, and not tainted by marriage yet!

Listed in no particular order - another debate!

-Love: Is the bond between Sam and Hilary
-Laughter: Laugh often, find humor in everything.
-Romance: Is to be kept, not lost.
-Forgiveness: Forgive always, to error is human to forgive is divine.
-Respect: Respect plenty, consider and respect each other’s feelings.
-Friendship: Friendship is key, it is where it all began.
-Character: Be yourself, it is who he and everyone fell in love with.
-Compromise: A must, it is the glue that holds the bonds together.
-Growth: Develop as one, but always remain as two.
-Faith: Faith strongly, relinquish all to God in the hard, and the easy times.
-Honesty: Honesty is difficult, but important for strength in a partnership.

I think he just wanted a place to rest where people are around. In a matter of minutes of sitting on the couch and being calm, he is sleeping. Kind of funny.

Wet and Warm

My eyes are burning I'm so tired. I was asked by more than a few people if I was hung over or just tired.... I got enough rest and wasn't drunk so I had only one option - I had been crying that morning...Crying about something that I don't want to talk about but still - despite me thinking I appear crumpy at times, I think for the most part I seem "content" (I hate the word) or "happy." So I think it throws people off to see my otherwise. I went for a ride along with my friend - we do that all the time - she buys something to eat at lunch - I ride along. It gets me out of the office and away from my desk. If she weren't there, I would work all through the day. I didn't want to talk but it came out - made me feel better. Brad and I met for an early dinner out to discuss the morning. Figuring a public place will keep emotions in check - it worked. One of the few skills we learned in therapy. So now I can come home and just relax. Drink a brew even though we weren't and enjoy the evening. This weekend was hard on me - too much stimuli.

Gender Roles?

This is bad - every time I clean this is what I think:

1. I got an education so I wouldn't have to clean
2. I would love to have a real wife - not a modern one but a bonafied traditional wife. The ad would look like this (I intend to develop this over time):

HELP WANTED
TRADITIONAL WIFE (MODERN NEED NOT APPLY)
REQUIRED SKILLS:
Must cook and clean - the ability to make a good sandwich is a must
Keep herself in good working order - must not be a lard ass and be able to look presentable at ALL TIMES
DESIRABLE:
Not too sexy looking - homely is preferred
Smart but not outspoken - must be seen but not heard
BENEFITS:
Two days off - one day for prayer and reflection the other day for "play." Play must be tasteful.

The scary thing is - I think about this shit....

Couldn't Handle It

After hearing of someone else's loss - I reflect on the potential for loss of my own. Everytime I leave - I think "what if" and then I remove myself from that headspace. A loss as great as a good friend - shoot - no a family member because this person is more than a friend would be beyond comprehension. I have been blessed in my life. It has faced little loss...The loss of my brother was probably the closest person that i have lost but he was estranged. I never have gotten to realize that loss but i find myself mourning it from time to time....anyway - i have few close people - and i'm not sure what i would do without any of them....i keep people away out of selfishness - i lack the energy or want for more....than a few - in this way i am blessed.....

Take care my dear - let yourself grieve and realize....

Old Boss and a A Beer

Well took half day - heaven forbid I work 5-days in one week...decided at the last min. It is too easy to take time off when in between projects, but of course i'm home now doing nothing and feeling just a tad guilty.

Met my old boss for lunch - had a beer with her - miss her company A LOT. It was nice - having that slight beer buzz enjoying company...after lunch I was suppose to spend the day running errands - decided not too....just ran to the toy store to buy my friend's kid a 1st birthday gift....SPENT WAY TOO MUCH MONEY! Jesus - makes me wonder if I do try and buy friendship - I figure why the heck not....anyway - this person wouldn't dream of doing something like that for me - but what the hell...anyway - most of the money was in a gift card but i couldn't resist buying this frog thing - she can name her own star with it - but in the registry...anyway - thought it was cool.

Now i'm home - need to do some laundry and clean my room - it is beyond messy right now - so i'm wondering if i should crack some liquor to help motivate me....nothing like a beer and folding clothes to get me in a better mood... LOL

sigh* can't wait to visit....always calm's me...nuts...

silence with music

I love coming home to an empty house - no t.v. - just cooking and some music. By far the most content...no drink in hand....just me - music and myself.

Think I'm getting sick...frickin' sucks... I'm battling a sore throat and a cough....exhausted...sigh...

I'm kind of pissy that she doesn't support me....again - makes me think this friendship thing is over-rated. Some people just take and suck and give nothing back. Am I suppose to not expect it? I feel bad that I do - but I guess I'm more selfish than I think.... what is weird is if I don't love someone - one thing can totally fuck things up for me....small shit....

man - the eyelids want to close....too early - gosta eat - wait for the man to get home...

he didn't get another promotion - those people are pissing me off - this time he really didn't have much experience in the unit that he applied for...never had done that work before so we weren't expecting to get it but still....jesus...

another person at work got a really nice bmw - everyone is asking if i'm going to upgrade....fucking funny - typical men....i don't have the testosterone for that - i LOVE my car - she is nice and fast enough....someone told me i could take her to the track and race it around at whatever speed i want...except i need a helmet....lol

Dusk to dawn
Light to day
Fun to hammer
Hit to head
Think to grave
Rise for another day

New Screen

Well it will be nice to actually blog on a full screen computer instead of my itouch. This new computer is pretty cool - one of those touch screens....

I'm going to see my sister for dinner tonight then my other sister is staying here tomorrow night....not really up for my sister's weekend....

Another friend called me today -it was kind of weird... worried about her kid - can't really relate...felt bad cause I really didn't know what to say. I come off insensitive sometimes.... I just wanted to get back to my spoiled life of new computers and too much time to myself. Man -this new keyboard is kind of sucky. LOL Anyway - drank a few beers for lunch - drinking some ice coffee so i can sober up to go out. Weird - I hadn't drank the last few days - then all of sudden wanted a few beers when I know I need to go out later...sigh...

Should clean up a little - also need to go shopping for a few things - don't want to do that either....

I understand the attachment...

Oh my

They frickin tried to make a flippin baby. I want to punch a bitch.

I had a disturbing dream last night. Been fighting my fowl mood ever since.

This so called new friend came up to me today. Said some pathetic bullshit. I wanted to punch her.

Getting my new computer tomorrow. Excited. Wasn't going to spend the money but brad insisted then we ended up getting some unexpected cash!!! So it all worked out.

Did I say I wanted to punch someone??

Maybe I should draw again.

Can't shut up

Told my boss I hated the people in my office besides Amanda. LOL. I said if it ain't for the work and him as a boss I would be gone. The thing is. .. Changes in the office are occuring. I guess I'll have to bite the bullet - take the senior exam when offered - and try and move up. I don't want too I truely don't. I already have to manage my stress. Change is hard for me in general. Also the idea of dealing with people scares the shit out of me. I have decided to just take it one day at a time and let it work itself out.

Sister coming in town this weekend with her 19 year old friend. I'm irritated.

Dam

I just looked back at my posts. Some dark shit. I also tried to figure out what was going on in my life before and after certain posts. I need to not do that. I may delete the ones from a few years ago. Need to sleep!!

Little mermaid

I wish I could copy and paste the recent dialog posts on facebook. One of my friends posted something about not letting her kids watch little mermaid because it tells girls it's okay to leave family and friends for a man she barely knows. Okay - I understand her point but give me an fucking break. There are so many bad messages relayed to girls that I can't imagine this should be top of the worry issue!! Let's see - how about getting a higher education to make sure you take of yourself. This person doesn't have one. But hey who I'm I to judge. I chose my own fucked up path. Lots of people wouldn't agree it is the best but you know what? If I had a baby girl - you bet she would understand the value of an education and that she is smart (even if she was slow). I would let her be what she wants and let her watch evil Disney films. Maybe use them as discussion or to make fun of pretty people.

I choose not to comment. I felt that it really wasn't necessary and it would come off harsh. Once again censored. Why? Cause for some reason I don't want the few friends I have feel crappy. Maybe if I were with this person talking face to face without her 100 friends watching I would comment.

Really?

Can life be as simple as drinking beer and sitting and enjoying rain and a hot tub with your partner. I haven't felt this content in a long while. I actally let myself enjoy things without being criticle of myself or my relationships. I didn't let my family change my mood. I just was and happy.

Don't want to face work monday. I didn't finish a project I should have. I like carpooling because I can't stay late but....at least I didn't worry most of the weekend.

Hittin the sack. Been sleeping better than usual. I want to continue. I actually didn't sleep but a few hours a few days last week. My brain going to fast so I'm going to welcome this calmness and benadryl for the hot tub rash.

Read it

Read your blog. I love reading your stuff. Always thanks for sharing.

Need to work on writing my own. I know it helps.

Trying to make friends. It sucks. Weird how I really only need or even want a few.

Training and fuck nuts

I can't believe how much fun this GIS training is. I'm self taught but to get some actual helpful training has been nice. The only problem is a now management co worker is also taking the training. I can't believe how angry and nervous I get. I actually want to confront. The guys know where I live cause of the pe database. Fuckers.