One Down

Thanksgiving came and went. It was nice. Nicer than expected. Now preparing for the next holiday - again wondering how it will end up. Ended up sick right before I go to see my parents. I'm afraid to tell them. Hopefully I will feel better - I don't mind going sick - except the idea of getting them sick. It is always life threatening when my Mom gets sick and I couldn't be the one to get her sick. Anyway - looking foward to getting out town - but also afraid. I need to learn to trust more whether it hurts me or not. For some reason I just can't trust those that I should. I guess I don't want to be let down. Gosh I feel like shit. Emotionally I am doing okay, yes - i have outbursts of feelings that seem out of control. I went nuts last night for no real reason.

We met with the new tax guy, stuff has gotten too confusing now. Anyway, he kept saying that everything looks good for us moneywise - that we are on the road to being in a great place when we get older UNLESS a kid comes along, or divorce... he asked about kids... we said no.... and divorce - well we can't afford one.... i can see why people don't get a divorce due to money. However, i could never lead a seperate life and still be married. I guess i shouldn't say never, just that I don't see myself doing that.

I am feeling the need to connect, and because we don't emotionally, i would take physically. It seems like so much work.....almost exhausting. *sigh*

i'm going to nap - i'm fadding fast.

Snap out of it

I can't snap out of whatever is bothering me - can't determine the cause. I started to cry at work today....I'm frustrated and tired of talking. Not sure what the hell is going on. I wasn't going to drink tonight - but of course I did.

Can't

I can't breath - the air in the room is all gone. I don't want to feel anything but me. I hate what I have become, or hate what I am becoming. I am never satisfied, and always have a taste for more - more of what I don't know. I find myself obsessed. Last night I was up at 2 am designing my gage for work - totally obsessed about something so stupid and so easy. It is how I like to deal with most things... I want my life to be complicated. I want a life with meaning. I want to take care of something that needs to be taken care of. I need to be wanted, but don't want to reveal that side. I am slowly giving up. Giving up on the idea of having a normal marriage, social life, and family. I am giving up. I am heading myself to a life of "what ifs" which I will be damned to do. My life is more than what ifs. I don't believe in that... and even if I did - what the fuck would that have gotten me - no where different... maybe a baby sucking on my tits, but I would have no different feelings... i would home alone with a kid wondering "what if"... so - i have these cards, now fucking deal. stop overthinking - stop worrying and fucking stop trying self medicate, to control, to be perfect - and just fucking be.

I hate people. I hate the fucking human spirit because there is none - there is nothing but selfishness.....and god help me if there is a god - because there probably is one that i am betraying. right now my god is keystone - in a fucking blue can that sits with me - is the only thing that looks forward to me - and likes me - doesn't fucking judge or talk shit - just likes me - i don't have to do anything but lift it to my mouth and drink. my kind of person and friend - neither of which is really true - but it works.

man - that was a bit dark - now i am going to listen to some nice music and let it go.....LOL nuttso

what happend to the happy tree guy on pbs - that guy rocked - watched him paint this morning on PBS.... nuts.

Red-white-blue-other

Can't wait till it is over. Wondering what is going to happen. Everyone thinks that Obama's going to win. I don't think so.... I hope so.... but don't think so. Just like I kept saying Bush would win... and he did. I wanted Hilary - I'm still not sure on Obama, but I am getting closer. Hard to wade through the crap. I wouldn't vote for McCain - so I don't have a choice, unless I don't vote at all, which isn't an option to me.

mmmm - we shall see.....

I almost crashed the state car..... i'm still coming down from my high...

I need to get out of Fresno... may go see a Raider game in a few weeks. We haven't been somewhere together over night...

Group Sex

Going to have a family get together this weekend... by force, cause my ass can't say no. Going to take next Monday off just to take a breath.. maybe go to the fair.... i'll be busy all weekend, so that will be a reward.

I am not getting my raise for the PE yet because of an executive order that hasn't been lifted. Got my union raise, but the PE raise is what mattered. Thank God my pocketbook can live without it.....the raise will come eventually, but it may be a long long time.

Drinking heavily again - don't feel good about it - but don't feel like changing.

Someone New

Met a new person in my office at training. He is around my age and was born and raised in Puerto Rico. Very insteresting person. He is an environmental scientist with a pHD. We talked about the restoration project, music and travel.

Hunger pains

So - I'm liking feeling hungry again - just a little dizzy. Maybe I can drop a few pounds. Staying away from the liquid poison is probably helping.

Went and spent 1.5 hrs in the book store - and didn't buy anything - weird really. I had a gift card, but I want to cherish it. I have tons of books at home that haven't been read, so I kept thinking I didn't need another one to collect on my shelf of to-do-read books.

I need a vacation.

Instead of Vegas we decided to try and go deep sea fishing on the north coast for our 10th. Looking foward to that :-)

Tired

I'm Tired

of trying to be perfect
of wanting things I can't have
of this life and how I lead it
of never standing up for who I am
of living a life I wasn't meant to live
of loving my car and beer more than my life
of needing things
of always seeing the negative things
of faking it at work
of being emotionally void at home just to make my life work
of being someone I'm not
of doing what others expect
of holding myself to an expectation that is unattainable but think it is

I'm tired of trying to grow when he never will..........
I'm tired of me.

Can't and Won't

This week was really nice. I did some surveying. Felt like a young engineer and it felt great, although I'm sore from carrying the equipment. I don't give myself time to learn though. If I can't do something in a few seconds - I get irritable. Kind of nuttso really. Once I got the hang of things, man I felt powerful. Trust me, I am not doing anything that is all that difficult, but it takes practice. It is kind of like an art. You can tell when people have done it for awhile - they are seamless.

I could never teach. It is hard when lots of people gather around me... I have a weird social anxiety that puzzles the crap out of me. Something with audiory distriactions.

I started drawing again. THis time - drawing others peoples stuff than what is in my head. For some reason it feels like cheating but I think it may be a great way to inspire me. I am trying to work on a project that I don't think I'll finish in time... kind of pisses me off.

Going to drink today... been a week, actually I haven't touched much of it. it makes me way too emotional. We are going out for icecream for dinner tonight - we have a gift card.

I'm lonely.

Revalations

I'm an idiot.

With a nice car.

FUCKING WOMEN

So - I can't help but think that I bring out the worst in women. Once again I befriend someone at work - who ends up fucking shit up. Do most women - including me - just have to have drama? I try these women relationships and feel like I fail - BIG TIME. I never get together with my previous friend from work - it is too much fucking drama - and too much effort on my part - for not much out of it. Anyway - back to my friend at work - well - she can't resolve shit and had to take of the stuff by going to management - so now all the boys - cause I can't call them men - think that she and I are out to get the guys. One guy is a fucking jerk - and then things go downhill. I was friends with both - but couldn't tolerate the middle school additude - so I started distancing myself from the male - cause he is kind of creapy. I minded my own business - I didn't frickin' gossip - and I still get caught in the middle. I wish I didn't have some need to be social. But then I also yearn for the guys golf and poker games that I will never be invited too - not matter how cool I appear to be.... cause i'm a woman... I give up - I have given up on true friendship at work. If it weren't for one person in my life I would give up on friendship all together. I don't need a lot - but it would be nice to have someone close. Someone I don't mind giving an afternoon or evening to. So thank you to that true friend - one that is with me constantly - no matter how far....

haven't drank in four days (Monday through Thursday), which is a big deal for me. It will be nice to sit down with a beer and a book.

Recommendations

I was told I should write down my feelings. That it may help me put things in perspective. I have thought of starting a journal - I did start a drawing/writing journal, but I can never do it consistently and for very long. Bloggin' is as consistent as I get with regards to writing something and related to things on my mind whether it is the good, bad, or ugly. I do get bored writing about the same shit - I notice if I read my blogs - I have the same shitty themes throughout.

I pulled up in my car, the neighbor that has three cars, two of those are sports cars, saw me in my car and said I look hot. It was kind of funny, I can't figure out his exact age but I'm thinking pushing 50. Newly divorced. I had run out a few Saturday's ago - braless - in boxer shorts - to interrupt him while he was mowing the lawn. I wanted to show off my car - mind you - I was TRASHED. Anyway, I must of hugged and kissed my car 1,000 times in front of him, all the while he was smiling and laughing at me. Then, like a dork, I forgot to close the garage door, so at 10 pm or so we get a knock on the door from him wanting to know if we knew our garage door was open. Anyway, when I saw him today I apologized for my drinking behavior. He smiled and said if that was you drunk, well I would hate for you to see me drunk. I guess my car makes up for my small labia!!!!!! LOL LOL One of the guys at work asked if I was going through a mid-life crisis.

I love my cat.

This sober shit kind of sucks, but necessary.

Snoop makes me horny but so does the guy from the Soprano's.

I don't have much sex, but don't really mind. When I start dreaming of it, it is time to do it.

Fucking already thinking about the holidays - what the fuck!

Calm Life

I had a panic attack yesterday. I have come to the conclusion that I must have stress and worry. I told Brad that I thought our lives were too much about us and not enough about others. That my life would end with a "what the fuck?" I said I feel there is more out there for me and I don't want to look back on life and say what the fuck. He looked freaked out - like a deer in headlights.... i laughed and said - honey - i don't mean with other people. He smiled. I said that it has nothing to do with you as my partner.... but i said that i am freaking out a bit cause i think i want kids.....

I am considering therapy again - I have an overactive imagination when it comes to Brad - like a paralyzing reaction of panic and fear. Then I thought - last time I tried to go to therapy about myself - it was at Kaiser with a Dr. that fucking made it worse - not better - or even in a way that made me think - I left the office in such a panic and freaked state that I thought I was loosing my mind. I want to be able to speak with someone - without some crazy shit about Brad and the fact that he used to hide shit - and although it is the root of some of panic shit - that isn't the point... it isn't the point to give me AA helplines and said yep - he sounds like an alcoholic... fucking i'm more of an alcoholic than him at this point...the first lady I went too - she was more up my alley - but had a waiting list...

I think I'm overindulgent. It is like I need to whip myself or something to make me feel like I am suffering. So - I think I think of bad things to make myself suffer...

Well enough rambling...

one whiskey - one scotch - and one beer.

I can't remember

I had a dream about life 11 years ago - I don't remember much - it pisses me off. I remember what I think is a feeling. I remember a song. I remember a sip. I remember a glance, but no details.

Driving

We took the car for a drive to S.F. for a trip to the fish store. Even though I dressed myself in lotion to protect myself from the sun, the darn sun came down and burnt my ass. I even reapplied that shit. Felt good being in the car, but all I could think of is - do I need religion, maybe even Jesus. Weird really. I feel that I am letting my soul down. I have no idea where that shit came from. I think if I weren't with Brad, I likely would be more into religion. How would I explain that reasoning to God. I digress or I'm just too frickin' sober.

We decided not to do a big trip for our 10-year. Kind of bummed - but given the money we just dished out, we would put ourselves in a stressful situation spending money for a trip. We decided to do a few days in Vegas - maybe do a helicopter tour or something. I guess that will work, but I may end up trying to do something else. for myself I need to quit spending money.

I need to call my folks more. Thank god for three day weekends... started to listen to my first book on cd. It is Michelangelo & the Pope's Ceiling. My sister gave it to me to borrow. I don't think I would generally like listening to books - it is hard for me to understand auditorally, but the guy reading it has a cool accent and says all the names with an Italian accent. Plus - I love the subject.... she gave me another one... too... it is a nice way to fall asleep, but I don't think I'll do it on a regular basis. I always felt books on tape were cheating.

i hate that he watches cops... fucking drives me batty and increases my heart rate about two times.

Panic

Man - I need to write but can't. I may start netflix again. I need to clean my house but can't. Still don't know how to do my job. Feel guilty about the money I make for doing very little. I shouldn't drive my fancy car. I never thought something so materialistic can make someone feel so fucking good. I feel good, but I feel I don't deserve it. Then I think - what the fuck - snap out of it.

I am tired of not taking vacation days so that I can save for when my parents get sick. I am tired of not just taking a frickin' vacation. Wish the hubby liked to travel more - I could just go and travel but then I would feel somewhat guilty and then I did marry him for his companionship - to experience shit. But you know - I will be broke for awhile. My savings is gone.... but at least I can feel SEXY. LOL

I hate that I use "-" I feel like it is a cop out to using really punctuation.

So my co-worker is making her husband go on happy pills so he will stop eating and getting fat. mmmmmm I talked way too much - put myself out there in a way I didn't want to at work... felt like throwing up after.

I miss you......

Waiting

I looked in his truck, the glove box, under the seat - my heart raced. Couldn't open the truck box in the back - it is locked. My heart pounds - I try to push it out. waiting - waiting for it to happen. I don't play fair. I wait. I wait. I am still waiting. I will always wait.

Field Work

I need to slow down at work - go with the flow. Being out in the field where half the time people sit and talk about nothing but will complain about how much work they have just annoys me. A job that should take about 4 hrs, takes 8 hrs... - I guess people heard a verbal sigh of annoyance from me when I wanted to get going to my next gage. My field guy told me I better chill out or I won't last and people won't like me. I told him I didn't give a shit if people like me or not - then he said - well it must be nice being the pissy one as you are the highest paid person out here. Okay - I'll give him that - and I'm cool with some relaxing and chatting - but give me a frickin' break.

Enough complaining -I just need to adapt without feeling like a slacker.

Unplugged

I feel that the world has unplugged me or something. I got my dream car - have my PE - and feel pretty darn good. Nothing is missing besides the world around me... maybe I unplugged myself. Having my niece here has made me realize how much I get into something and then don't see anything else - I guess I tune out much of the world - including Brad. Now I feel my life is coming back to normal - with a car I can't truly afford until after the budget is signed. It possibly was one of the craziest things I've done in awhile - besides get married. Felt kind of good.

Well - my niece left me a nice note. Of course I started crying... my sister cried a bit when she left.

Maybe I can do this unplugged world....

It is done...

I finally completed the one thing I wanted so badly. I thought I would feel different once it was done. I don't feel any smarter - or any more confident - but I do feel free. I feel more like my time is my time only. To pass that darn test meant more to me personally than my career and how I conduct myself at work. A few people that said some not so nice to me things at my old job - sent e-mails congratulating me. Not sure what to make of that. Anyway - it is nice I'm done. My parents sent me flowers - which was nice - but I couldn't stand to be on the phone for more than 10 min. It had been almost 2 months since I last spoke with them. I almost did not call them with the news - but couldn't keep that from them - that would be unfair. I know they are proud - and I know why they distance themselves... I am respecting that - and also - letting them go - I'm tired of fighting to hold on to something that really isn't there.

It is nice to have someone around to take care of. My niece and I cooked when I got home from work - it put me in such a good mood. We put on music and just hung out doing stuff... Maybe I would feel differently with my own kid, but still it makes me wonder. Even my relationship with Brad changes... we give each other glances - and smiles - but there is no need for my obsession on everything he does. I find myself more relaxed with the distraction....

Looking

I found myself on the HSU website - looking at the ERE website - alumi - stuff like that... weird really.... i guess i care more about my past than I think I do... but give me a break - the past is the past... i got from college a great degree and a great friend... oh and a great hubby - other than that - why I'm I fooling myself in thinking that it can offer me more.... why do i care what the people in my past are doing......

my friend.

Left

Sorry blog - for being gone so long - for leaving you with blank pages.

I had a great vacation - spent some much needed quality time with my sister. I let myself tell her stuff and express stuff that I never thought I would. The last night - we shared a beer together... talked about how it felt like being a Phillips' woman. I learned how angry and hurt I am with my parents right now - and how sick it made me feel in the end. We worked through some stuff that my Dad told us when we were young - and how that has been twisted over the years due to our insecurity. How much I have grown as a person in the last few years. My sister reveals only small things about how she feels and her life.... she is VERY private - and I respect that - but am also hurt by it.... i want to know more about her - maybe she only gives me things I can handle....

anyway - we both decided that having my niece here has been an expierence and despite some of the short coming from our own parents - they did great.....


For I am nothing, if not critical.
Othello. ACT II Scene 1.

Fireworks

Passed out by 6 pm. Awake at midnight. Going to go to breakfast - eat as much crappy food that is possible. Clean up and play responsible.

Bitches

Can't make a hoe a house wife.

My tank is truly empty.....and I make a horrible house wife... thank god for blow jobs.

Plants - Random

Spent most of my day placing house plants in my bedroom. The only place the cats won't get them. I love plants... and if I didn't have pets - they would be everywhere.

Broke my frickin' vacuum that cost more than I want to admit and because dyson stuff is different - i can't fix that shit myself.... grrrrrr.

My nephew graduated... goes to court next month.

Drinking mocha's again - dahm it.

Ate a piece of my cheese cake and ate way too much pasta salad.

Brad's addicted to cops.

Nervous but looking forward to my niece coming.

Wish i could figure out something constructive to do with a talent I seem to not have.

I was thinking - if I could write - I would ask someone if they wanted to start writing a book by each writing one paragraph each at a time (go back and forth) ....... but i would be afraid of not being able to have enough creativity to do that...

he said at his retirement party - no regrets. the staff at his first job where he was supervisor said much better - fun things about him. I didn't say anything - i wasn't drinking and I was doped on xanex... but staff from the Fresno office were lame... people asked me to go out with them afterwards - i couldn't do it.

Nothing?

My sister told me that I should never have something to worry about. That she truely sees my life as close to perfect as it gets. I said nothing back. Kind of interesting though.

I am going to Bert's retirement party - going to see old Regional Board buddies....Sober....*sigh*

D - you are always in my thoughts....and I miss you.....

Sober

I feel like I have so much more time when I'm not drinking. Instead of drinking tonight I went and got a haircut - exercised for an 1-hour - and cooked a nice dinner. Then had a nice quiet dinner with the hubby - no t.v. just talking about our day. Tonight would be a perfect evening. I hope to have many more to come.

I think this is only my 2nd day since I drank last. Oh well - day by day.

Trust

I can't even trust myself. I am discovering that I have more of a need to be liked than I even thought I did. I hate myself for that. Sometimes I ask myself - what is my motivation for doing some of the things I do - that I later think I shouldn't of done. Most are out of pure concern - never out of malice. I never want to hurt anyone - or say something just to be liked - but I do put myself out there way too much. I am neither mysterious or guarded. All I want is for people to get along - at least at work.

Harmony in my house - not so much. Saying something not to hurt the one you love - not so much. I have never felt harmony in my adult life. I never allow or think I deserve harmony. It is the forbidden fruit. The "d" word has come up again - it is like I bait him. Do I really want to be apart from someone that I so deeply love. We have nothing in common - wait - i take that back - our common sense is the same. How we view money is the same - our core values - very similar. How we like to spend our free time - not so much. How we view the world and giving - not so much. How we relax and interact with others - not so much. However, there is something about this man that is so special that I can't let go - although sometimes - we both think it would be easier.

I need to find something else to blog about.