Trust

I can't even trust myself. I am discovering that I have more of a need to be liked than I even thought I did. I hate myself for that. Sometimes I ask myself - what is my motivation for doing some of the things I do - that I later think I shouldn't of done. Most are out of pure concern - never out of malice. I never want to hurt anyone - or say something just to be liked - but I do put myself out there way too much. I am neither mysterious or guarded. All I want is for people to get along - at least at work.

Harmony in my house - not so much. Saying something not to hurt the one you love - not so much. I have never felt harmony in my adult life. I never allow or think I deserve harmony. It is the forbidden fruit. The "d" word has come up again - it is like I bait him. Do I really want to be apart from someone that I so deeply love. We have nothing in common - wait - i take that back - our common sense is the same. How we view money is the same - our core values - very similar. How we like to spend our free time - not so much. How we view the world and giving - not so much. How we relax and interact with others - not so much. However, there is something about this man that is so special that I can't let go - although sometimes - we both think it would be easier.

I need to find something else to blog about.