I had a panic attack yesterday. I have come to the conclusion that I must have stress and worry. I told Brad that I thought our lives were too much about us and not enough about others. That my life would end with a "what the fuck?" I said I feel there is more out there for me and I don't want to look back on life and say what the fuck. He looked freaked out - like a deer in headlights.... i laughed and said - honey - i don't mean with other people. He smiled. I said that it has nothing to do with you as my partner.... but i said that i am freaking out a bit cause i think i want kids.....
I am considering therapy again - I have an overactive imagination when it comes to Brad - like a paralyzing reaction of panic and fear. Then I thought - last time I tried to go to therapy about myself - it was at Kaiser with a Dr. that fucking made it worse - not better - or even in a way that made me think - I left the office in such a panic and freaked state that I thought I was loosing my mind. I want to be able to speak with someone - without some crazy shit about Brad and the fact that he used to hide shit - and although it is the root of some of panic shit - that isn't the point... it isn't the point to give me AA helplines and said yep - he sounds like an alcoholic... fucking i'm more of an alcoholic than him at this point...the first lady I went too - she was more up my alley - but had a waiting list...
I think I'm overindulgent. It is like I need to whip myself or something to make me feel like I am suffering. So - I think I think of bad things to make myself suffer...
Well enough rambling...
one whiskey - one scotch - and one beer.
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