I can't breath - the air in the room is all gone. I don't want to feel anything but me. I hate what I have become, or hate what I am becoming. I am never satisfied, and always have a taste for more - more of what I don't know. I find myself obsessed. Last night I was up at 2 am designing my gage for work - totally obsessed about something so stupid and so easy. It is how I like to deal with most things... I want my life to be complicated. I want a life with meaning. I want to take care of something that needs to be taken care of. I need to be wanted, but don't want to reveal that side. I am slowly giving up. Giving up on the idea of having a normal marriage, social life, and family. I am giving up. I am heading myself to a life of "what ifs" which I will be damned to do. My life is more than what ifs. I don't believe in that... and even if I did - what the fuck would that have gotten me - no where different... maybe a baby sucking on my tits, but I would have no different feelings... i would home alone with a kid wondering "what if"... so - i have these cards, now fucking deal. stop overthinking - stop worrying and fucking stop trying self medicate, to control, to be perfect - and just fucking be.
I hate people. I hate the fucking human spirit because there is none - there is nothing but selfishness.....and god help me if there is a god - because there probably is one that i am betraying. right now my god is keystone - in a fucking blue can that sits with me - is the only thing that looks forward to me - and likes me - doesn't fucking judge or talk shit - just likes me - i don't have to do anything but lift it to my mouth and drink. my kind of person and friend - neither of which is really true - but it works.
man - that was a bit dark - now i am going to listen to some nice music and let it go.....LOL nuttso
what happend to the happy tree guy on pbs - that guy rocked - watched him paint this morning on PBS.... nuts.
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