I can't believe how much fun I have in front of the computer making silly v-blogs... it brings me a joy I haven't felt in a long time. Sounds weird but almost what I experienced when playing the violin. I miss that feeling. I don't like to play by myself - I like to re-create music with others. I always got a high from it. I cried when I played what I knew would be my last concert. I think that is why I hated moving to Strathmore. No orchestra - no music - nobody creative. It was a bunch of hicks. Sad to say - but true. I'm not saying i'm artsy fartsy or even talented, but I like being around people who are, and I like to try to be... I don't keep in contact with ONE friend who knew that part of me. It is like I don't want to welcome it back. Shoot - Brad hasn't even seen it. Glimpses maybe, but that is it. I have always wanted to rekindle this part of me. Not sure why I won't. It would likely bring me peace and joy....mmmmm

Anyway, until then, I continue to do healthy things that make me smile. My sisters thought I had too much time on my hands to do the video blog - I say - you have too much time not too.

Facebook Mourn

I did it - I de-activated it. I went back and forth and got to the last step several times during the last two weeks, and finally I did. There was nothing in particular that "sent me over the edge." Last Friday's bullying and my teenage behavior definitely contributed but that wasn't the end all be all. I kept looking at my "friends" list...the only people I wanted to keep were my family, and Dayna, and her friends....I really like that group. I did seem like a bit of a voyeur but not in a bad or unwelcome way - not at all. Made me wish I had friends like that. The other side of my friends - I didn't want to just drop - although I should of. I am finding besides one person, I don't want daily contact with my friends particularly from Strathmore....I feel out of touch and don't have the same interests. I feel self conscious. These are feelings that I try not to have. I pride myself on being confident, uninhibited (in the most responsible sense of the term).

I have made a decision that I will likely keep - because bloggin this feels way better than checking for dam posts.

A Successful Marriage

This is what my sister's and I put together to give to my other sister at her bridal shower. Each saying was put on a separate heart, with the word on one side, and the saying on the other. We each took turns saying them out loud to her, then put them in a box for her keeping. I was told that I am too engineer like because I didn't like that things weren't in a bulleted list or when I kept saying that things weren't parallel (still aren't!)...the bulleted list is engineer, but the other is just common sense.... I started out with a 10 item list that was more funny, but then my sister's and I revised it. It was sort of funny because Heidi kept saying she didn't know how to word things, and frankly - she had some of the best ones! Our word savvy sister is too mushy, and not tainted by marriage yet!

Listed in no particular order - another debate!

-Love: Is the bond between Sam and Hilary
-Laughter: Laugh often, find humor in everything.
-Romance: Is to be kept, not lost.
-Forgiveness: Forgive always, to error is human to forgive is divine.
-Respect: Respect plenty, consider and respect each other’s feelings.
-Friendship: Friendship is key, it is where it all began.
-Character: Be yourself, it is who he and everyone fell in love with.
-Compromise: A must, it is the glue that holds the bonds together.
-Growth: Develop as one, but always remain as two.
-Faith: Faith strongly, relinquish all to God in the hard, and the easy times.
-Honesty: Honesty is difficult, but important for strength in a partnership.

I think he just wanted a place to rest where people are around. In a matter of minutes of sitting on the couch and being calm, he is sleeping. Kind of funny.

Wet and Warm

My eyes are burning I'm so tired. I was asked by more than a few people if I was hung over or just tired.... I got enough rest and wasn't drunk so I had only one option - I had been crying that morning...Crying about something that I don't want to talk about but still - despite me thinking I appear crumpy at times, I think for the most part I seem "content" (I hate the word) or "happy." So I think it throws people off to see my otherwise. I went for a ride along with my friend - we do that all the time - she buys something to eat at lunch - I ride along. It gets me out of the office and away from my desk. If she weren't there, I would work all through the day. I didn't want to talk but it came out - made me feel better. Brad and I met for an early dinner out to discuss the morning. Figuring a public place will keep emotions in check - it worked. One of the few skills we learned in therapy. So now I can come home and just relax. Drink a brew even though we weren't and enjoy the evening. This weekend was hard on me - too much stimuli.

Gender Roles?

This is bad - every time I clean this is what I think:

1. I got an education so I wouldn't have to clean
2. I would love to have a real wife - not a modern one but a bonafied traditional wife. The ad would look like this (I intend to develop this over time):

HELP WANTED
TRADITIONAL WIFE (MODERN NEED NOT APPLY)
REQUIRED SKILLS:
Must cook and clean - the ability to make a good sandwich is a must
Keep herself in good working order - must not be a lard ass and be able to look presentable at ALL TIMES
DESIRABLE:
Not too sexy looking - homely is preferred
Smart but not outspoken - must be seen but not heard
BENEFITS:
Two days off - one day for prayer and reflection the other day for "play." Play must be tasteful.

The scary thing is - I think about this shit....

Couldn't Handle It

After hearing of someone else's loss - I reflect on the potential for loss of my own. Everytime I leave - I think "what if" and then I remove myself from that headspace. A loss as great as a good friend - shoot - no a family member because this person is more than a friend would be beyond comprehension. I have been blessed in my life. It has faced little loss...The loss of my brother was probably the closest person that i have lost but he was estranged. I never have gotten to realize that loss but i find myself mourning it from time to time....anyway - i have few close people - and i'm not sure what i would do without any of them....i keep people away out of selfishness - i lack the energy or want for more....than a few - in this way i am blessed.....

Take care my dear - let yourself grieve and realize....