Processing

Was wondering if I should blog about the last few weeks and what I experienced.  I guess it would be quite boring really and I really don't have the gift of words. I have "other" gifts; but not so much for words.  If I learned anything these last few weeks is that I sell myself short as a person.  My parents taught me how to be strong and independent.  To do it my way. My Dad always did it his way.  My "flaws" are my strengths. I know those flaws and I am slowly learning to embrace them.  Instead of writing details of my experience, I would like to catalog my raw idea. Maybe one day these ideas will be put into something that makes sense, but for now they will be raw.

1.  My Dad had a very different relationship with each and everyone of his kids.  He cherished and valued us for different reasons.  He expected different things from different children based on what qualities he saw in each of us.  Not sure all of the qualities he saw in me, but he did love me, and was proud of me and towards the end - respected me personally and professionally.

2.  My Dad matured as a get older.  Really three different generations of kids made him a different type of Dad for each generation.  I think I got Dad during his best generation :-)

3.  My Dad did not like having lots of things; my Mom did and still does.  The house was full of Mom's crap; but Mom claims Dad got what he wanted, when he wanted it.

4.  My Dad was intimidating to most men.  Well respected but intimating.  My uncle confessed that he never thought Dad liked him and was often intimated by him.  Felt less of a man when he was around my Dad.  Funny thing is my Dad LOVED my uncle and thought highly of him.

5.  My Dad was the head of the house.  He was at the head of the table and led his "troops." My Mom bravely following.  Seeing and selling his dining room chair was the hardest.  It is an end of an era.  I often wish Brad would sit at the head of the table with the command my Dad did.  I am realizing this is unfair.  Brad is a different man than my Dad.  I will no longer do this comparison for my and Brad's sake.

6.  I gave my parents a lot of different little things.  Everything meant something; but maybe it meant more to me then them.

7. I always resented the fact that I was not a boy.  I always wanted "that relationship" with my Dad.  That was flawed logic.  I had my own special relationship.

8.  I brought very little back for myself.  My Dad's old hardhat from GE, an old GE mechanical pencil and an old GE hat.  A few odds and ends that I gave Dad and some of my own art and art that was up in my parents old house.  I didn't keep a father's day card I gave him a few years ago (he had it next to his chair). I should have, but oh well.

9. My sister held and cried over everything.  She had a hard time selling or leaving anything.  Her memories didn't seem enough.  Just thought it was interesting.

10.  I can't say this enough, but I loved my Dad with all my heart. I miss him.  I think of him daily and wish he were here. I was convinced he was talking to me through the broken down wind chimes I gave him years back.  I let someone take them to provide them with a good home. I regret that somewhat.

11. I am stronger than people know.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and don't always make good decisions, but I am strong.  Always was and always will be.