Celebrations

So - I am sitting here planning my sister's big 50th.  She deserves this party - she has held baby showers for my sister, and a 40th birthday party for my sister.  She provides my family with some sort of sanity in a sometimes insane world.  She is the eldest and that is very evident.  Of course cause I don't do secrets very well - we couldn't surprise her....got lots of shit for that - but hell - I hate being surprised....I hate fan fair.  Some people say they hate it but secretly like it.  NOT ME! One year Matt and Jill had a "birthday" lunch for me...I was soooo pissed.  I did say thank you but jesus it isn't what I wanted. I wanted a nice meal with a few friends...not the whole office.  They kept saying well people really like you...well fuck - I don't care....LOL anyway - I'm off track.  Bottomline - I have few true friends....I don't need groups..A lunch with a close friend beats lunch with 50 so-called friends.

So - now I sit here...thinking of the dreaded holidays.....Christmas.  I build this shit up. I love christmas as a family with Ma and Pa and my siblings....I want to relive that magic.  It was magical...Santa Clause....the whole thing... big dinners....dad at the head of the table - my parents fight but then kiss and make-up....spoiled but never overly spoiled.....That magic hasn't been there in years but each year I am torn....each year I fight with myself to relive it...and each year I stress and somewhat fail.

Dad died Christmas Eve - so now - I'm thinking I don't even want to try and relive it....but...maybe I do...but in a different way.  I think I've been thinking about it wrong.  My Dad loved the holidays. Helped do the tree (although anal as hell).  Why not do my big ass no need tree and honor dad for me.....not for my family...besides Brad (he always counts).  Do that shit for us.  do it cause I want to do it not because I think I should.  The day my father died - I cursed that tree - I wanted it down...I sat beside that tree many nights thinking that something was wrong this christmas...maybe I was supposed to be pregnant or something else....it was the something else.....

So - I initially wanted to run - run far away - but bottomline - I have NO IDEA what I want...and I shouldn't make myself decide that...I don't have to host SHIT for my family.  My Mom, my parents-in-law, and my husband are all that matter.....okay and my sister Pauline :-)  She final one - is a tricky one.

My siblings in general leach off me....it is tiresome...but I let it happen.....not once have I been invited to anything....I don't do things to be invited, but dam....really....there are 6 (or ask someone else they say 7) of us.....they say I am too "fancy" - no I am me....I like neat nice things - but I also just love family....if I host - that shit is planned and tight...it is part of who I am....but it is not a requirement of others.....I think few people truly care to understand me...those who do - love me and tolerate me....I am grateful.... :-)