I drank too much last night - feeling a bit guilty today about it.

Turned 35 today. I don't mind growing older but I hate the dam day - the expectations. I'm not talking about gifts, or things but the fact that my parents never called or sent a card hurts me A LOT. Brad's folks send me a card each year. Anyway, I'm trying to not let it bother me, but it does. My sister Hilary had her "fiance" call on her behalf to wish me a happy birthday...because she was "sick." Oh she is going to make this next step for me easy.

I'm going to try and end this evening with good thoughts. Remind myself that it is only a birthday - Mom and Dad love me unconditionally, they just get busy and forgetful.

I need to figure this shit out - I'm kind of feeling numb and in limbo. I think my thoughts of western society are changing - not sure I like what I see. I like that I have choices. I can't imagine not having that. The thought makes me not breath. I've never thought this country was the best, but I've never thought ill will of it (okay maybe 8 years of Bush), but even then I thrived. I'm told that California is a state of "cold" people. People that don't care about community or family. It is kind of true - and I like it - but I wonder how I would like it if I knew differently.

I'm struggling....with my own fate.....

Miss Him

He was a different kind of cool. I will miss his usual noises, his mild demeanour, his philosophical comments and discussion, his love of his god, his weird sense of humor, and his brain. Good luck sir - may your kindness be seen, and your taught slickness shine through.

"Be Patient" he said to me daily - but only as a joke.

I won't get attached to the next co-worker roomie....NOT....I can only dream.

I can't believe how much fun I have in front of the computer making silly v-blogs... it brings me a joy I haven't felt in a long time. Sounds weird but almost what I experienced when playing the violin. I miss that feeling. I don't like to play by myself - I like to re-create music with others. I always got a high from it. I cried when I played what I knew would be my last concert. I think that is why I hated moving to Strathmore. No orchestra - no music - nobody creative. It was a bunch of hicks. Sad to say - but true. I'm not saying i'm artsy fartsy or even talented, but I like being around people who are, and I like to try to be... I don't keep in contact with ONE friend who knew that part of me. It is like I don't want to welcome it back. Shoot - Brad hasn't even seen it. Glimpses maybe, but that is it. I have always wanted to rekindle this part of me. Not sure why I won't. It would likely bring me peace and joy....mmmmm

Anyway, until then, I continue to do healthy things that make me smile. My sisters thought I had too much time on my hands to do the video blog - I say - you have too much time not too.

Facebook Mourn

I did it - I de-activated it. I went back and forth and got to the last step several times during the last two weeks, and finally I did. There was nothing in particular that "sent me over the edge." Last Friday's bullying and my teenage behavior definitely contributed but that wasn't the end all be all. I kept looking at my "friends" list...the only people I wanted to keep were my family, and Dayna, and her friends....I really like that group. I did seem like a bit of a voyeur but not in a bad or unwelcome way - not at all. Made me wish I had friends like that. The other side of my friends - I didn't want to just drop - although I should of. I am finding besides one person, I don't want daily contact with my friends particularly from Strathmore....I feel out of touch and don't have the same interests. I feel self conscious. These are feelings that I try not to have. I pride myself on being confident, uninhibited (in the most responsible sense of the term).

I have made a decision that I will likely keep - because bloggin this feels way better than checking for dam posts.

A Successful Marriage

This is what my sister's and I put together to give to my other sister at her bridal shower. Each saying was put on a separate heart, with the word on one side, and the saying on the other. We each took turns saying them out loud to her, then put them in a box for her keeping. I was told that I am too engineer like because I didn't like that things weren't in a bulleted list or when I kept saying that things weren't parallel (still aren't!)...the bulleted list is engineer, but the other is just common sense.... I started out with a 10 item list that was more funny, but then my sister's and I revised it. It was sort of funny because Heidi kept saying she didn't know how to word things, and frankly - she had some of the best ones! Our word savvy sister is too mushy, and not tainted by marriage yet!

Listed in no particular order - another debate!

-Love: Is the bond between Sam and Hilary
-Laughter: Laugh often, find humor in everything.
-Romance: Is to be kept, not lost.
-Forgiveness: Forgive always, to error is human to forgive is divine.
-Respect: Respect plenty, consider and respect each other’s feelings.
-Friendship: Friendship is key, it is where it all began.
-Character: Be yourself, it is who he and everyone fell in love with.
-Compromise: A must, it is the glue that holds the bonds together.
-Growth: Develop as one, but always remain as two.
-Faith: Faith strongly, relinquish all to God in the hard, and the easy times.
-Honesty: Honesty is difficult, but important for strength in a partnership.

I think he just wanted a place to rest where people are around. In a matter of minutes of sitting on the couch and being calm, he is sleeping. Kind of funny.

Wet and Warm

My eyes are burning I'm so tired. I was asked by more than a few people if I was hung over or just tired.... I got enough rest and wasn't drunk so I had only one option - I had been crying that morning...Crying about something that I don't want to talk about but still - despite me thinking I appear crumpy at times, I think for the most part I seem "content" (I hate the word) or "happy." So I think it throws people off to see my otherwise. I went for a ride along with my friend - we do that all the time - she buys something to eat at lunch - I ride along. It gets me out of the office and away from my desk. If she weren't there, I would work all through the day. I didn't want to talk but it came out - made me feel better. Brad and I met for an early dinner out to discuss the morning. Figuring a public place will keep emotions in check - it worked. One of the few skills we learned in therapy. So now I can come home and just relax. Drink a brew even though we weren't and enjoy the evening. This weekend was hard on me - too much stimuli.

Gender Roles?

This is bad - every time I clean this is what I think:

1. I got an education so I wouldn't have to clean
2. I would love to have a real wife - not a modern one but a bonafied traditional wife. The ad would look like this (I intend to develop this over time):

HELP WANTED
TRADITIONAL WIFE (MODERN NEED NOT APPLY)
REQUIRED SKILLS:
Must cook and clean - the ability to make a good sandwich is a must
Keep herself in good working order - must not be a lard ass and be able to look presentable at ALL TIMES
DESIRABLE:
Not too sexy looking - homely is preferred
Smart but not outspoken - must be seen but not heard
BENEFITS:
Two days off - one day for prayer and reflection the other day for "play." Play must be tasteful.

The scary thing is - I think about this shit....

Couldn't Handle It

After hearing of someone else's loss - I reflect on the potential for loss of my own. Everytime I leave - I think "what if" and then I remove myself from that headspace. A loss as great as a good friend - shoot - no a family member because this person is more than a friend would be beyond comprehension. I have been blessed in my life. It has faced little loss...The loss of my brother was probably the closest person that i have lost but he was estranged. I never have gotten to realize that loss but i find myself mourning it from time to time....anyway - i have few close people - and i'm not sure what i would do without any of them....i keep people away out of selfishness - i lack the energy or want for more....than a few - in this way i am blessed.....

Take care my dear - let yourself grieve and realize....