Asked by the supervisor today if I was going to take the senior exam when it is offered. I said NO. He said yes - and I said but it would be stupid if I didn't. If my boss moved up and I took his place - he could still be my boss. Anyway - I told him frankly after this week I've had I don't feel I have the technical skill or the disposition to supervise. He laughed and walked out. I proceeded to have a full fledge panic attack.

I have no desire to promote. May not have a "choice". Although of course I have a choice. Maybe I don't know what I want. I may not even have much of a chance of getting the job. I just want to learn more without being a sup.

Have had a headache three days strait. Can't sleep. Waiting for my itouch to run out of batteries. Should read instead of watching things on my touch. Maybe sleep would come. Want to call in sick tomorrow but don't have the nerve.

Thinking to much.

Been meaning to blog again - but just can't do it.... sitting in front of a computer for any other reason than to make a blog for a friend exhausts me....all day on one makes me not want to even come close to one at home.  I like my touch - it feels different, but to write is trying.

Having weird dreams of shakespeare, conveyance channel design, and family issues... all mingled into one.  weird really.  obviously i'm sorting shit out.

I think i'm  more complex than I really am - it sort of saddens me....

smells like tuna - it shouldn't...

Brad's Mom got weird about Brad not going to Ashland - had to go on about the book of Shakespeare she got him during high school and how much he was into it.... i NEVER thought Brad wouldn't appreciate and enjoy Shakespeare - just not a whole weekend of it.... it is funny that they think i don't think he is "worldly".  they have always done that - i happen to think he is one of the smartest people I know with more knowledge about all kinds of stuff than I would ever know....  i like that he let's me have my time....and that we can still enjoy some stuff together....anyway, brad started laughing and said - i can do one Shakespeare play, and in high school i read some - but mom is the one that took it to new heights....anyway - if i have children - i don't want to do that.... i want my kids to be into whatever they want.......just as long as they enjoy it....it doesn't matter what people say or think as "worldly" - whatever the fuck that means.... i'm far from worldly - but i have all my teeth - barely!

Life is unexSpecting and sometimes I hate it.

Went to a local musical with my sister. It was a fundraiser. Props to good company players. It was awsome and very entertaining. Real should support local theatre here. I saw a few old classmates on the theatre lobby wall.

Weekends

What started out as a crap start of a weekend turned out to be okay.... I am my own worst enemy - but who isn't.  Wasn't going to drink tonight - but decided hey why not - just opened one now so I can't drink that much before bed - famous last words. 

Need to re-watch  a few movies.... been doing a lot of series - Bones - which I think may be my favorite all time series....it is everything I need in a series - sexual tension - laughter - science... went back to 24 series - not the same but still somewhat addicting.  i'm finding i like watching series way later in bulk....i'm going to try nip and tuck next.

Still doing the gym but not seeing much result - my mood isn't much better - and my body certainly isn't - except for endurance.  I can go on the machines much longer and easier - so i guess that is good.  I also tend to like my body a bit more even though if there is change - it is subtle...  my sister wants to give me diet and exercise advice cause i'm slow on the losing - i don't mind most of the time - but sometimes i want to hit her.... i don't want to be much smaller than I am....i don't want to change my lifestyle that much - i just want to get my heart rate up and slim a little....so i guess i shouldn't bitch - it is what i'm doing now....anyway - it is funny....weight loss... i almost feel bad for having a somewhat good body imagine - now how fucked up is that!!! LOL

I'm hoping to get back to bloggin'.  weird month - weird summer but it beats trips to radiation with my sister anyday!

Feeling a bit insecure and anxious this evening. Felt it alot of the weekend. i keep thinking shields up. Not sure why. Last night I was sure I was going insane. My mind full of paranoid thoughts.

I think he is making a big mistake. But he has to learn himself.

Kids are treated as second thoughts. Not sure why these people procreate.

Two Hours

I spent two hours on the phone with my old friend from work....two hours....I miss her but in a weird way... she asked a favor that i would of course do - it was the sort of favor that any good friend would do without thinking.  I don't know whether I'm surprised that she called me or happy.  she said she only feels she can be honest with me because I don't judge her - at least to her face - anyway - i sometimes feel like a poser.  I am always honest with my friends, but I certainly judge, i think it is human to do so.  Anyway, just  got me thinking again about my take on friendship and what it means to me and why I have so few friends.  I normally hate people, but I find myself being very social - so i tend to attract as well.  then I'm left with either the ones I want to become friends with rejecting me and the ones that i could care less about attracted to me...weird really.  I am feeling a bit bad about the one girl at work.  I have gotten rude.  I have told her several times that I don't do friendship well - i like my time to myself, and don't want to be bothered, but then i go and hang with Amanda.  I figure i make her feel like shit, but don't want to "lead" her on with a fake nice...anyway - all i need are the few people I have....i think...

i think i may be too responsible....LOL

i'm rambling - need to go to bed...