Feeling a bit insecure and anxious this evening. Felt it alot of the weekend. i keep thinking shields up. Not sure why. Last night I was sure I was going insane. My mind full of paranoid thoughts.

I think he is making a big mistake. But he has to learn himself.

Kids are treated as second thoughts. Not sure why these people procreate.

Two Hours

I spent two hours on the phone with my old friend from work....two hours....I miss her but in a weird way... she asked a favor that i would of course do - it was the sort of favor that any good friend would do without thinking.  I don't know whether I'm surprised that she called me or happy.  she said she only feels she can be honest with me because I don't judge her - at least to her face - anyway - i sometimes feel like a poser.  I am always honest with my friends, but I certainly judge, i think it is human to do so.  Anyway, just  got me thinking again about my take on friendship and what it means to me and why I have so few friends.  I normally hate people, but I find myself being very social - so i tend to attract as well.  then I'm left with either the ones I want to become friends with rejecting me and the ones that i could care less about attracted to me...weird really.  I am feeling a bit bad about the one girl at work.  I have gotten rude.  I have told her several times that I don't do friendship well - i like my time to myself, and don't want to be bothered, but then i go and hang with Amanda.  I figure i make her feel like shit, but don't want to "lead" her on with a fake nice...anyway - all i need are the few people I have....i think...

i think i may be too responsible....LOL

i'm rambling - need to go to bed...

Business Meeting?

I thought about bloggin' about my Dad, but he isn't on the forefront on my mind....last night is....

I had one of the nights that remind me of why I got married, and why I married who I did.  The day was nice - a trip to the gym - then a breakfast burrito that we split in half (trying to watch the calories a little), - a quick trip to Sacramento to our favorite burger joint (didn't split that burger) - several trips later to different pet stores - then home - a trip to the ice cream store (for a late b-day gift of ice cream) - and then a night in the hot tub with a few beers...and then use your imagination for the rest...but he claims I raped him - i swear it was consensual.

I was happy the whole frickin' time...we talked about money and finance's - goals - and just simple things...laughed....kissed....laughed some more...my mind never wavered even when there was  brief mention of children....it felt natural.  I want to say like when we first met but that wouldn't do it justice.  Although we have passion, it is much different now - it is sort of better - back in the day - all i wanted was the physical him with a little emotional him - now i want emotional him with a little physical...last night i felt like we knew each other forever....i'm not reading into last night or do my usual "what if" - I'm going to relish it - cherish it - and keep it untainted in my memories....

I paid for the 3 hours in the hot tub - we spent a while the night before as well....anyway - have a rash this morning...it is so worth the discomfort but i'll be staying out of the hot tub for awhile.

skippin the gym today...brad is taking care of pauline's dogs (she is in italy)....so i have a few hours this morning to reflect - then i'm going to do some housework....

does the weekend need to end?

I miss facebook for only 1 reason....and she knows her name.

enjoying my last furlough day - at least officially - maybe it will be re-instated.  It will suck when we have to work 5-days for less pay - but I have a job so I shouldn't complain too much.

Reading blogs while my video blog is processing.....grateful for the blogs...always in my thoughts...

Getting back to reality again feels sort of good.

The pounds are finally starting to leave this body - if only a few.  I looked like a fat stepford wife and the wedding.  Never cared how I really look - that much - but DAM.  actually - the bad thing about the video blog is I now know some of the silly faces i make....so now when i'm at work I'm like - oh shit - i just made that face...then laugh to myself and say what the fuck!

I bought a $5 t-shirt at target that says "I want you to...pull my finger"  I got it at lunch while at work - i couldn't stop laughing - my co-worker had thought I lost my mind.  I think i was meant to be a 13 boy forever...i'm sorry - i can't be too serious or grownup...i don't do it well...

Really?

In my eagerness to please I go and make something out of nothing and now it's almost 11:30 pm and I can't sleep. I'm extremely selfish and I let my anger and pettiness get in the way! I broke every single promise to myself. It all started because people wouldn't give me space but also cause I am deep down a drama queen! It was a crappy day to be sober. The nuts thing is this whole thing wasn't worth me loosing sleep. I also shouldn't go to bed with my itouch!

Sister Gone......

Where to start - I've had more emotions in the last week than I have in a full year.  Laughed a lot - cried a little - and learned nothing....

Family is weird.  The wedding wasn't real - it was like we were all in a bad dream.  It didn't feel loving.  I was a slave not a sister.  I was barked at...we weren't told anything...it was a mess....I lost it right before the wedding was going to start...waiting to connect to a sister that was going to make a big decision.  We weren't part of anything.  We didn't feel like a family.  I told the soon to be new sister-in-law, that this is not a Phillips gathering.  This is not our family and this is not how we get together.  None of us wanted to be there.  I'm glad I went, but I didn't want to be there.  Anyway - my other sister's and my bro and his new instant family came over to the house for beer and venting....several hours later, and finally at 1 am people (except my sister) left... it was nice - I love my family.  I love how we can be mad one minute and laugh our asses off the next.  Hilary never could do that.  Everything was personal.  I want to punch her, and not ever make contact again, if I did - it would be cruel.  I can't be cruel....I will talk to her again, but I WILL NEVER TRY AND GET CLOSE.  It will be polite (unless she says something about us not helping her), and cordial.  She and her new husband will always be invited for holidays, although now she "has a man," she really won't need us - until he fucks her over - and I'm sure that will happen....and we will take her back and she will then proceed to walk all over us again.

Like one sister said - "she always plays the victim."  She always has, and always will....

I just re-read this - thinking why I am posting this shit...blah blah....I need too.  i'll likely delete it later, but I needed to write it.  After 5 pm today, I'm am ridding myself of this negativity, and not looking back, because frankly, it isn't worth it.

Socialization is Over-rated

I have a full week this week until Sunday.  I don't feel good about it - but know it is a nessassary evil.  I can't wait until my time is my time.

Met her yesturday - seems okay - trying not to judge....but still do.  She better not break his heart - or I'll break her face.  I'm worried about the kid(s)? involved...she's not sure where the hell she fits into things...

Random thoughts tonight - should of gone to the gym.  It keeps the neurons from firing.

I need to take advantage and buy some movies and shit but am having a hard time deciding - not careful it will be x-mas before I use it all...

I need to quit having these dam sex dreams - they are pissing me off...try not to read into them cause if I - dam - I'm messed up!

Brad is the king of watching bad sci-fi and horror movies - couldn't sit through wall-e but can sit through movies like "big shark" and shit like that..... "bad kitty" FOREVER...ran into that stationary yesturday and laughed my ASS OFF.

Saturdays

I said 'no' to my sister's rehearsal dinner. She is a punk - sorry - can't help it. Didn't even have to make an excuse and lie (cause I couldn't do that). Just said "sorry - I can't make it." I know my parents will be disappointed, but really - she only invited us because of my parents, I'm sure of that. I will go to the wedding and be a good sister for my parents, I don't need to do the dinner before. We aren't in the wedding - oh wait - I'm doing the guestbook. Anyway, I'm happy with my decision. I thought about it for a few hours before responding to her message so I wouldn't do something I would regret. The funny thing - she didn't even question me. I'm glad. It is -What - it is.

So, I'm putting together a meal for everyone tomorrow - to meet Dena. Actually relaxed. So this is good.

I am reminded again that my parents are only human. Thank you my friend for reminding me of that. Cause that shit helps A LOT.

Old Habits

Couldn't resist taking a day off at the gym to relax and drink some beer....cause hard habits are hard to break baby....

I got defensive today...i hate people who label other people without knowing them, whether it be a socialist, a communists or a marxists. I heard some stuff today that made me think but I didn't dare admit it. I think I'm more closed minded then I first thought. I need to look into this deal of Internet "censorship" before I make a ruling. Do I even really care? People only care if it affects their "status"...Although I could be bias. Maybe I'm too weak to take any kind of stance. I consider myself everything, but probably more liberal than anything....but what does that really mean. I had a great conversation with my best friend who actually made me think about what I really believe. I don't get to have those conversations very often - why - because I don't believe in most of the people that are around me (discounting of course Brad). Although Brad can be harsh - he is not cruel, and is certainly not worried about his "place in society." I just find myself misinformed and speechless....