Celebrations

So - I am sitting here planning my sister's big 50th.  She deserves this party - she has held baby showers for my sister, and a 40th birthday party for my sister.  She provides my family with some sort of sanity in a sometimes insane world.  She is the eldest and that is very evident.  Of course cause I don't do secrets very well - we couldn't surprise her....got lots of shit for that - but hell - I hate being surprised....I hate fan fair.  Some people say they hate it but secretly like it.  NOT ME! One year Matt and Jill had a "birthday" lunch for me...I was soooo pissed.  I did say thank you but jesus it isn't what I wanted. I wanted a nice meal with a few friends...not the whole office.  They kept saying well people really like you...well fuck - I don't care....LOL anyway - I'm off track.  Bottomline - I have few true friends....I don't need groups..A lunch with a close friend beats lunch with 50 so-called friends.

So - now I sit here...thinking of the dreaded holidays.....Christmas.  I build this shit up. I love christmas as a family with Ma and Pa and my siblings....I want to relive that magic.  It was magical...Santa Clause....the whole thing... big dinners....dad at the head of the table - my parents fight but then kiss and make-up....spoiled but never overly spoiled.....That magic hasn't been there in years but each year I am torn....each year I fight with myself to relive it...and each year I stress and somewhat fail.

Dad died Christmas Eve - so now - I'm thinking I don't even want to try and relive it....but...maybe I do...but in a different way.  I think I've been thinking about it wrong.  My Dad loved the holidays. Helped do the tree (although anal as hell).  Why not do my big ass no need tree and honor dad for me.....not for my family...besides Brad (he always counts).  Do that shit for us.  do it cause I want to do it not because I think I should.  The day my father died - I cursed that tree - I wanted it down...I sat beside that tree many nights thinking that something was wrong this christmas...maybe I was supposed to be pregnant or something else....it was the something else.....

So - I initially wanted to run - run far away - but bottomline - I have NO IDEA what I want...and I shouldn't make myself decide that...I don't have to host SHIT for my family.  My Mom, my parents-in-law, and my husband are all that matter.....okay and my sister Pauline :-)  She final one - is a tricky one.

My siblings in general leach off me....it is tiresome...but I let it happen.....not once have I been invited to anything....I don't do things to be invited, but dam....really....there are 6 (or ask someone else they say 7) of us.....they say I am too "fancy" - no I am me....I like neat nice things - but I also just love family....if I host - that shit is planned and tight...it is part of who I am....but it is not a requirement of others.....I think few people truly care to understand me...those who do - love me and tolerate me....I am grateful.... :-)

Processing

Was wondering if I should blog about the last few weeks and what I experienced.  I guess it would be quite boring really and I really don't have the gift of words. I have "other" gifts; but not so much for words.  If I learned anything these last few weeks is that I sell myself short as a person.  My parents taught me how to be strong and independent.  To do it my way. My Dad always did it his way.  My "flaws" are my strengths. I know those flaws and I am slowly learning to embrace them.  Instead of writing details of my experience, I would like to catalog my raw idea. Maybe one day these ideas will be put into something that makes sense, but for now they will be raw.

1.  My Dad had a very different relationship with each and everyone of his kids.  He cherished and valued us for different reasons.  He expected different things from different children based on what qualities he saw in each of us.  Not sure all of the qualities he saw in me, but he did love me, and was proud of me and towards the end - respected me personally and professionally.

2.  My Dad matured as a get older.  Really three different generations of kids made him a different type of Dad for each generation.  I think I got Dad during his best generation :-)

3.  My Dad did not like having lots of things; my Mom did and still does.  The house was full of Mom's crap; but Mom claims Dad got what he wanted, when he wanted it.

4.  My Dad was intimidating to most men.  Well respected but intimating.  My uncle confessed that he never thought Dad liked him and was often intimated by him.  Felt less of a man when he was around my Dad.  Funny thing is my Dad LOVED my uncle and thought highly of him.

5.  My Dad was the head of the house.  He was at the head of the table and led his "troops." My Mom bravely following.  Seeing and selling his dining room chair was the hardest.  It is an end of an era.  I often wish Brad would sit at the head of the table with the command my Dad did.  I am realizing this is unfair.  Brad is a different man than my Dad.  I will no longer do this comparison for my and Brad's sake.

6.  I gave my parents a lot of different little things.  Everything meant something; but maybe it meant more to me then them.

7. I always resented the fact that I was not a boy.  I always wanted "that relationship" with my Dad.  That was flawed logic.  I had my own special relationship.

8.  I brought very little back for myself.  My Dad's old hardhat from GE, an old GE mechanical pencil and an old GE hat.  A few odds and ends that I gave Dad and some of my own art and art that was up in my parents old house.  I didn't keep a father's day card I gave him a few years ago (he had it next to his chair). I should have, but oh well.

9. My sister held and cried over everything.  She had a hard time selling or leaving anything.  Her memories didn't seem enough.  Just thought it was interesting.

10.  I can't say this enough, but I loved my Dad with all my heart. I miss him.  I think of him daily and wish he were here. I was convinced he was talking to me through the broken down wind chimes I gave him years back.  I let someone take them to provide them with a good home. I regret that somewhat.

11. I am stronger than people know.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and don't always make good decisions, but I am strong.  Always was and always will be.

Function

I'm watching "Worst Tattoos" show on TLC.  Makes me want a tattoo.  I don't like Brad's tattoo that much but for some reason I toy with the idea of getting one.  Brad has always said it would be cool if we got one together. I know he wants another one.  I just don't know what I would get.  Part of me wants to do the stereo typical "RIP" for my dad.  Maybe I would do one with his spirit in mind.  That pretty much means an american flag.  Not sure I want that. Tattoo's aren't big in my family.  Actually now that I think of it - Brad is the only one with a tattoo.  My one sister says over and over again how nasty they are.  I don't find them ugly or nasty.  If I got one it would be hidden. It would only be for me, but I would hope Brad would like it :-)  I don't think he would.  So maybe I should give a tattoo another thought.

Truth and Friendship

I started to write something because I have a lot in my head but I got overwhelmed. How sad is that????  I guess I can lay down what I may want to talk about:

Friendship
Group
Love
Satisfaction
Grief
Sex
Obsession
Loneliness
Greedy
Sincerity
Generosity
Sister
Husband

Normalization

I'm not sure I want to write this down but this is the most "normal" feeling day I have had in awhile.  Since my Dad's death, I have been up and down.  In a haze but here. I didn't sleep last night, or if I did, it was for no more than two hours or so. I saw every hour pass. I woke up exhausted. The night wasn't stressful though. My thoughts weren't fearful or deep.  I did go through memories and obsess about work, but in general, I just could not stay asleep.  I was wired with thought.  

As the morning came, I thought I can't work. I haven't been productive at work. Not at all. I've been one of those people that just collect a check.  Not being productive at work brings me some of my greatest stress. I get paid good money--really good money. I need to earn that.  So, this morning I dragged my ass out of bed and went to work. It started out hard, but I worked through and had a wonderfully productive day.  So now I am relaxing with a beer.  Calming my mind.

I'm doing nothing but our routine this weekend and I'm so excited and loving it.  My mind and soul needs a break and I think this weekend I can get it. I dare not think ahead and how hard it will be next weekend.  I am going to live for today and enjoy this moment of peace - if even it is brief.  

I love you Dad.

Realization

I am realizing that I really can only count on two people to help me when I need help.  That is my husband and my best friend.  My husband and I pride ourselves on being self sufficient.  We rarely ask for help.  When we have, we have been disappointed.  I never like to ask for anything from anybody, but I know I have limits.  This last year has proved so.  I needed help on several levels.  I asked and I received but only by those clostest - those two people.  I used to think my family (not including my husband) would be there no matter what.  I don't think that is true.  I love my family and they are great, but they are family.  If I need help - I don't intend to rely on them.  Although my husband doesn't always help me in the way I want - I always know he is on my team and does the best he can.  He wants whats best.  He wants me happy and healthy - physically, emotionally, and financially.  We both get mutual benefit.  I'm happy - his needs are met.  My family - motives are always questioned.  They love me, but jealously, rivalry, motive, etc. get in the way.

I think I have more to work through on this topic, but the bottom line - I thank those two people from the bottom of my heart.

New Year?

So - my last post was the same day last year.  Nuts.  Been thinking about writing something on paper all day.  What a year.  This is how I started my last blog.  Never thought I be writing this blog for this reason.  I am so numb to everything. My rational brain is just fine - my emotional- not so fine. I have been thinking about all of the things I want to write about my Dad.  Most of them, if not all of them are good.  Now i'm wondering if I have selective memory, but why should it matter.

A part of me wants to crawl in a hole.  The other part of me is saying what the hell is wrong with you....get over it - move on.....you have everything so quit your bitching and move the hell on.  My other side says don't listen - mourn how you need to.... cause if not - it will cause you great pain later. So - here are some random thoughts to start me off....

My Dad
-Great
-a good role model
-strict but kind
-judgmental but proud
-not filtered but gentle
-taught grown men to hug one another
-loved children
-loved me
-a provider
-knew all about how stuff worked
-gave good and bad advice
-knew me
-proud of me
-gave hugs and kisses regularly
-defender of his family and specifically his wife
-proud
-stubborn
-never compromised


These are just a few things...

For some reason there is no option for spell check on this version of this blog, I must be missing it.

There is nothing like a Sunday and watching football. Nothing else to do. I sort of wish I could unplug my phone. I suspect I may be receiving some calls today that I really don't want to answer. I want to go underground....

What a year - hoping next year is better. I always hope that. There is always something in any given year that makes me want the next year to be better. I guess if I list the highlights they MAY outweigh the crap things, but it would be pretty close.

I am grateful for the few people I have in my life that keep me grounded and more or less even. At least I know they won't walk over me....

A raider win when be a great start to a new year. Raider win is a good win for the household.

I now can go back obsessing about my easy life.....I was free for the last few days. My mind was blank....and safe....no worries - no thoughts....

I hope I feel better before I go back to work....I would like to enjoy at least one day without feeling like crap but I don't think that is going to be possible. I think I'll go ahead and cuddle up with a new book with football in the background....and maybe drinking some beer....if i can muster up the energy....yesturday's glass tasted DAM good....

Wow - now that was rambling....I'm going to think about starting a weekly blog again....just for shits....cause i actually enjoyed the whole process of it....thinking of crazy idea - taping the idea - editing the idea and then posting the idea....mmm thinking of names - ARP's devotional....Lol LOL I could be the next Oprah! LOL OH GAWD!

Domestic vs. Feral

Wow - what a last few days. Tired as hell and getting sick. Don't want to go back to work so my eye starts twitching again. For sure I am staying home if I feel like crap. Screw it - I got lots to do but I don't care. I'm lucky I have the husband I do. As I'm typing this he is loading the dishwasher and cleaning up. It is like I do the stress part of the relationship and he does the other stuff...okay maybe not - he still can't clean a stove or a sink...or a toliet.

Brad called me a feral wife at work. He brought in cookies I made to work and a lady asked - oh so you have a domestic wife - he responded no - she is feral.... i was sort of offended....okay a lot offended - why - for several reasons. The biggest being that I still feel inadequate when it comes to being a woman...sad but true.... makes me wish i were a man at times.... i know he meant well - but it struck a cord. although we are breaking molds everyday, I still have a huge side of me that likes to take care of people and the house and "domestic" things but feel I don't do those well or need to do more.... I am tired of being seen as just a good "wage earner"...weird really..I want to be a "good wife." One of my co-workers who is a man said it doesn't matter what you look like if you earn a good wage....i almost smacked him...chinese fool....what the fuck...anyway...i wouldn't wish for a 50s marriage and I know I could do what I wanted to do in this one....just made me think....

Anyway - too tired to type anymore, but I do love this keyboard for my ipad!

Today was a bit better of a day.  Yesterday was not so great.  I was VERY emotional and I couldn't really sort out why.  I am extremely overwhelmed at work.  Expectations are higher than normal.  However, today I managed to straiten myself out a bit. 

I have a lot going on inside my head lately.  I wish it would stop - it is interrupting my sleep.  I don't play well with others.  I'm short with people that I shouldn't be short with.  Not looking forward to my appraisal this year.  I looked at my one from last year and my marks were probably the highest I've gotten in my career really.  I'm wondering if I have reached my peak and now it is all downhill.  That is a scary thought.

I'm trying to read more.  I can't believe the crap I get for reading alone at lunch at work.  A few people can't believe I do it for fun.  What is the world coming too.  It soothes me - I bitch about life and work less.  Both good things.

I smoked a bit with a friend this weekend.....kind of fun.... :-)  I wonder if this is public!!! LOL

Anyway - I'm rambling.  I just thought I would write some stuff down....

My old boss told me I was crazy to go back to the Regional Board - that I shouldn't apply again now that I've been rejected.  She thinks the fact they even made an issue about me being "blacklisted" may mean I am!!! LOL

I've given up on Jill and Matt...I don't think I want either in my life.

Connections

We are still connected in a weird way I can't explain. We look at each other and exchange words without speaking. The attraction is there but hidden. It doesn't feel wrong but if we saw each other much it could be. I think we both keep our distance - minimize and forget - then we see each other and dam. He held her hand tight and I held his hand tighter.

I wonder if either notice. Mine may. His is too young.

Friday

Getting ready for company...cleaning....sucks to do at the start of the weekend but a bit refreshing.

I need to call some people this weekend...sigh...don't want to but probably should.

First day of not having a headache. 

I'm too hard on myself....I think I am a masochists cause I'm not happy any other way.  I am suppose to be reflecting on why I think nothing is good enough including myself...i find myself laughing a lot about it.

Why I don't care is what is scaring me.

I know I should be grateful but I'm a bit tired of my family. Frickin calling and then calling my parents when I don't answer. The only time I pick up the phone is for Pauline and my parents. My parents drama is the only one I can accept in my life right now. Already Pauline needs too much attention. I neglect texting her and I get a guilt trip. I'm tired. I want to be left alone with my husband. I'm already struggling with that relatationship. I don't need to worry about others. I'm Tired of being the go to person in my family. I'm tired.

My mom started to cry on the phone today. Felt guilty I didn't send a card or anything. Again I'm tired. I'm grateful for my family but somebody characterized my life as a drama. I don't think so. It is life, which at times could have some drama. Sigh.

Anyway- need to stop feeling sorry for myself. Did some yard work this morning. Felt good. Going to do some more housework. Brads buddy is coming next weekend. Excited.

Beach

Up at 5:30 am sitting on a deck waiting for the sun to rise. Not only was I out of town on vacation the last few weeks on the coast but had to come back to work to goto the coast again. We' re staying at a hotel right on the beach because somebody knows how to work the system. I'm not complaining this is a great way to start a long ass day.

Talked a lot with a new guy from our Sacramento office. Good advice I guess. One of my co workers seems to have no problems. I think those people who seem to have it together don't. If they do then I envey that shit.

The beach - coffee - mornings. I'm grateful.

Obsessing

I can't sleep. I am completely obsessing about work and the fact that I didn't get that promotion. I think it was attitude and emotions. My inability to keep my mouth shut and to conrol my opinions. Its an asset but my downfall. My boss is an idiot. There is nothing he has done that I couldn't do. Until he shows me otherwise I will remain pissed off and unhappy. I'm thinking why I left the board. I'm sure I would not have been promoted there either. I can't help but feel less when I shouldn't. I never had my eye on management. I knew it could cause harm to me and my home life. My stress level would go up astonomically. All bad things - so I lay here and ask myself why do I even give a shit. Be happy - do a good job and move on.

The therapist asked what I wanted out of life. I said I wish I could simply stay home - fuck like minks and raise rug rats. No joke. The look on Brads face was priceless. The therapist must have repeated that twice more. I curse like a sailor and I couldnt believe I used part of a line from basic instinct. What movie will I use next time?

I am suppose to work on being less parent and more child. I'm working on it!

Getting in the mind set to head back to work - then we go back to therapy.  Reflect on the weekend I guess.  Been a weird long weekend.  I'm feeling a bit anxious but better than I thought.  I've spent the last few days thinking about marriage and the pledge I made - I intend to stay true to that pledge for better or worse....I'm pretty selfish person in general - trying to focus on just being there for him - not judging - or questioning - just being and loving - is weird.  Not sure how this round will be different from others but I hope it is. We will figure it out and if we don't we will muddle through. It is what it is - life is unpredictable - the one thing I hate the most and have limited coping skills for - unpredictability.  I just don't want to be duped.  Therapist asked if I had ever been let down in my life - I respond as I always have - nope - my life and my childhood has been nice and fairly uneventful.  I am grateful.

We decided to make our anniversary trip 1st priority - no more canceling things because of money or other things that we see may get in the way.  I'm happy for that.

My brother Murry stopped by this morning with the wife - just for an hour or so for coffee.  It was a nice visit.  He asked if we wanted to vacation with them...for their anniversary next year - chip in for a house rental in DC.  mmmmmmm nope....i didn't come out and say it - but I did say likely not....but that we would try and visit.

Life is weird....shoot - I want that on a poster instead of this live laugh and love shit - just "life is weird" cause it is....

My stomach is hurting again....even as I type....need to draw some more....I made a portfolio of sorts - put all my drawings in a binder with protective covers....kind of fun...to just look through them quickly before going and starting the next drawing.

I was able to have sex this weekend - surprising....really but not really....healthy way to expend some energy - i just kept thinking i don't want to give up on us.....ever....i wish i could go through life not caring about a goddamn thing or even thinking about anything....just work - eat - make some love - and sleep.....but I can't....I have to do this thinking thing and it kills me every time.

SMELL ME

This is Brad's favorite so far. Not sure it is mine.  Drawing is much easier than writing - that is for sure.

BIG KISS