Domestic vs. Feral

Wow - what a last few days. Tired as hell and getting sick. Don't want to go back to work so my eye starts twitching again. For sure I am staying home if I feel like crap. Screw it - I got lots to do but I don't care. I'm lucky I have the husband I do. As I'm typing this he is loading the dishwasher and cleaning up. It is like I do the stress part of the relationship and he does the other stuff...okay maybe not - he still can't clean a stove or a sink...or a toliet.

Brad called me a feral wife at work. He brought in cookies I made to work and a lady asked - oh so you have a domestic wife - he responded no - she is feral.... i was sort of offended....okay a lot offended - why - for several reasons. The biggest being that I still feel inadequate when it comes to being a woman...sad but true.... makes me wish i were a man at times.... i know he meant well - but it struck a cord. although we are breaking molds everyday, I still have a huge side of me that likes to take care of people and the house and "domestic" things but feel I don't do those well or need to do more.... I am tired of being seen as just a good "wage earner"...weird really..I want to be a "good wife." One of my co-workers who is a man said it doesn't matter what you look like if you earn a good wage....i almost smacked him...chinese fool....what the fuck...anyway...i wouldn't wish for a 50s marriage and I know I could do what I wanted to do in this one....just made me think....

Anyway - too tired to type anymore, but I do love this keyboard for my ipad!

Today was a bit better of a day.  Yesterday was not so great.  I was VERY emotional and I couldn't really sort out why.  I am extremely overwhelmed at work.  Expectations are higher than normal.  However, today I managed to straiten myself out a bit. 

I have a lot going on inside my head lately.  I wish it would stop - it is interrupting my sleep.  I don't play well with others.  I'm short with people that I shouldn't be short with.  Not looking forward to my appraisal this year.  I looked at my one from last year and my marks were probably the highest I've gotten in my career really.  I'm wondering if I have reached my peak and now it is all downhill.  That is a scary thought.

I'm trying to read more.  I can't believe the crap I get for reading alone at lunch at work.  A few people can't believe I do it for fun.  What is the world coming too.  It soothes me - I bitch about life and work less.  Both good things.

I smoked a bit with a friend this weekend.....kind of fun.... :-)  I wonder if this is public!!! LOL

Anyway - I'm rambling.  I just thought I would write some stuff down....

My old boss told me I was crazy to go back to the Regional Board - that I shouldn't apply again now that I've been rejected.  She thinks the fact they even made an issue about me being "blacklisted" may mean I am!!! LOL

I've given up on Jill and Matt...I don't think I want either in my life.

Connections

We are still connected in a weird way I can't explain. We look at each other and exchange words without speaking. The attraction is there but hidden. It doesn't feel wrong but if we saw each other much it could be. I think we both keep our distance - minimize and forget - then we see each other and dam. He held her hand tight and I held his hand tighter.

I wonder if either notice. Mine may. His is too young.

Friday

Getting ready for company...cleaning....sucks to do at the start of the weekend but a bit refreshing.

I need to call some people this weekend...sigh...don't want to but probably should.

First day of not having a headache. 

I'm too hard on myself....I think I am a masochists cause I'm not happy any other way.  I am suppose to be reflecting on why I think nothing is good enough including myself...i find myself laughing a lot about it.

Why I don't care is what is scaring me.

I know I should be grateful but I'm a bit tired of my family. Frickin calling and then calling my parents when I don't answer. The only time I pick up the phone is for Pauline and my parents. My parents drama is the only one I can accept in my life right now. Already Pauline needs too much attention. I neglect texting her and I get a guilt trip. I'm tired. I want to be left alone with my husband. I'm already struggling with that relatationship. I don't need to worry about others. I'm Tired of being the go to person in my family. I'm tired.

My mom started to cry on the phone today. Felt guilty I didn't send a card or anything. Again I'm tired. I'm grateful for my family but somebody characterized my life as a drama. I don't think so. It is life, which at times could have some drama. Sigh.

Anyway- need to stop feeling sorry for myself. Did some yard work this morning. Felt good. Going to do some more housework. Brads buddy is coming next weekend. Excited.

Beach

Up at 5:30 am sitting on a deck waiting for the sun to rise. Not only was I out of town on vacation the last few weeks on the coast but had to come back to work to goto the coast again. We' re staying at a hotel right on the beach because somebody knows how to work the system. I'm not complaining this is a great way to start a long ass day.

Talked a lot with a new guy from our Sacramento office. Good advice I guess. One of my co workers seems to have no problems. I think those people who seem to have it together don't. If they do then I envey that shit.

The beach - coffee - mornings. I'm grateful.

Obsessing

I can't sleep. I am completely obsessing about work and the fact that I didn't get that promotion. I think it was attitude and emotions. My inability to keep my mouth shut and to conrol my opinions. Its an asset but my downfall. My boss is an idiot. There is nothing he has done that I couldn't do. Until he shows me otherwise I will remain pissed off and unhappy. I'm thinking why I left the board. I'm sure I would not have been promoted there either. I can't help but feel less when I shouldn't. I never had my eye on management. I knew it could cause harm to me and my home life. My stress level would go up astonomically. All bad things - so I lay here and ask myself why do I even give a shit. Be happy - do a good job and move on.

The therapist asked what I wanted out of life. I said I wish I could simply stay home - fuck like minks and raise rug rats. No joke. The look on Brads face was priceless. The therapist must have repeated that twice more. I curse like a sailor and I couldnt believe I used part of a line from basic instinct. What movie will I use next time?

I am suppose to work on being less parent and more child. I'm working on it!

Getting in the mind set to head back to work - then we go back to therapy.  Reflect on the weekend I guess.  Been a weird long weekend.  I'm feeling a bit anxious but better than I thought.  I've spent the last few days thinking about marriage and the pledge I made - I intend to stay true to that pledge for better or worse....I'm pretty selfish person in general - trying to focus on just being there for him - not judging - or questioning - just being and loving - is weird.  Not sure how this round will be different from others but I hope it is. We will figure it out and if we don't we will muddle through. It is what it is - life is unpredictable - the one thing I hate the most and have limited coping skills for - unpredictability.  I just don't want to be duped.  Therapist asked if I had ever been let down in my life - I respond as I always have - nope - my life and my childhood has been nice and fairly uneventful.  I am grateful.

We decided to make our anniversary trip 1st priority - no more canceling things because of money or other things that we see may get in the way.  I'm happy for that.

My brother Murry stopped by this morning with the wife - just for an hour or so for coffee.  It was a nice visit.  He asked if we wanted to vacation with them...for their anniversary next year - chip in for a house rental in DC.  mmmmmmm nope....i didn't come out and say it - but I did say likely not....but that we would try and visit.

Life is weird....shoot - I want that on a poster instead of this live laugh and love shit - just "life is weird" cause it is....

My stomach is hurting again....even as I type....need to draw some more....I made a portfolio of sorts - put all my drawings in a binder with protective covers....kind of fun...to just look through them quickly before going and starting the next drawing.

I was able to have sex this weekend - surprising....really but not really....healthy way to expend some energy - i just kept thinking i don't want to give up on us.....ever....i wish i could go through life not caring about a goddamn thing or even thinking about anything....just work - eat - make some love - and sleep.....but I can't....I have to do this thinking thing and it kills me every time.

SMELL ME

This is Brad's favorite so far. Not sure it is mine.  Drawing is much easier than writing - that is for sure.

BIG KISS

Starting 12 hour night levee patrol. Only have to do it a few days a month until flow subside. I'm hoping to switch to Saturday so I can bank some serious overtime.

Priority

I washed my baby today. Fell in love all over again. It had been awhile since I really washed her inside and out and appreciated her beauty. BMW called Friday to ask if i wanted to trade her in for a newer one. For a split second I thought about it and then I was like "no - I love my car". The guy laughed and said he was happy to hear it and hung up. Washing her today I realized how much I liked her, even with all the scratches and flaws. I love all of it and hope to have her for years to come. Family or not. Which brings up a point - those few people at work that know I am trying for a kid think it is nuts I would keep my car. Selfish really. I laugh and say why would I get rid of it. We have several cars and cars that are safe for kids. As long as I can manage the payments which will be gone sooner than later, why cant I keep her. Some say my priorities will shift - things that are important to me will shift. Well of course they will but it doesn't mean I will quit appreciatimg things I love. I have always known I could have to give up my car if things were to change financially. It is only a car. People are retards.

I told a friend I bought an iPad. They said I was egregious buyer/consumer and just had to have everything. I wanted to smack them. I really did. But I didn't I just said well if that is what you think than fine. Yes I didn't need it but I wanted it and I can afford it. I can't even believe I tried to rationalize or defend it. It is none of peoples business. I guess this is what I get for being open. People can suck you dry. Keep in mind. This is someone I will end up spending too much on their kids birthday. I dont think they will mind.

Pass me a nap

Okay - coffee mid to late afternoon even If it is mostly decaf may not be a good idea. Once again I was faced with taking a nap mid-day - don't really like those naps cause it throws my night off. Well like a moron I think drinking just a bit of coffee would help me stay awake. I'm sure I'll be up way too late tonight. At least it's a weekend.

Did nothing but go to the gym today. Watched tv or movies for the rest of my day. Saw romance and cigerettes. Not sure what I thought of it. Lots of big names. Not as much of a musical that I thought it would be.

Going to watch some tv shows on the iPad then try and get some rest. Still trying to figure out stuff for my iPad and how to get some info from my touch to my pad. Like passwords and stuff. Don't want to buy extras and if I need to create one more account I'll scream.

I admit it

I so far like this iPad way more than I thought. I don't like what it costs but it is only money. Brad keeps explaining that and then today informed me that if a kid would come along that thought process would no longer apply. I agree. So why the fuck not!!!!!

I don't think we are going out of town for our anniversary just maybe a day trip. Our money was spent on this iPad. Oooooooo I love it. Brad said I had to name it sexylexi!!!

I was at the gym today and noticed lots of people texting while they work out. Lots of times it is the fat people, but not always. I just wonder how they expect to get a good workout texting or being on the cell? Why even workout. It's okay to text and talk on the phone but the minute I start bustin a nut and maybe grooving too much to the music people give me dirty looks. Maybe they are thinking the same thing about me as I do to them. Man that girl is fat - she should concentrate more on her workout than having fun! The gym is a funny place. So many people in their own worlds, most of them not looking like they are enjoying themselves.

Maybe not shaving my legs is a lesbian chick magnet. I could of sworn a manly chick was eyeing me today. I don't mind :-) I probably should shave once in awhile - I got my anniversary coming up - the timing could be perfect!

My parents asked me if I would help pay for life insurance for my Dad. My Dads pension goes away when he dies and won't continue for my Mom. All because they wanted more money each month. They had a policy and now something went wrong. Anyway - they won't say an amount I would need to contribute. I'm bitter. I'm pissed. I was quiet. Brad flipped a bit. Made it clear if their is a child in our future then it will be a big fat NO - but think no should be either way. I had a dream that mom was left in the dessert alone. I feel selfish but why is it me and not other siblings? I'm somehow feeling a bit more for families with small families but I was blessed with a large one. I should benifit right? Or Is that selfish?

Brad wants to get me an iPad for my birthday. I keep saying NO.

They are building a new kingdom hall right down the street. I think of her Mom everytime I drive bye.

Drawing

I was looking through my office and found the drawings I was working on several months ago.  I surprisingly liked quite a few.  I thought I would post this one.  Although this is just copying from a drawing lesson, I'm hoping I can start drawing from my imagination someday.

 I'm going to continue back on my drawing lessons.  I don't this is all that great, but it is fun!

WTF Costco

One of the great parts of living in north west Fresno (west of 99) is almost nobody lives out here.  I can do my shopping and go about my business without, for the most part, running into anyone I know.  I LOVE IT.  I can't stand to be on my own time and run into friends, co-workers, or anyone I know when I'm out.  It makes me panic and frankly I feel my space is invaded.  So - I have a four day weekend - yesterday I thought we could take an afternoon quick Costco run with little to no crowds.  Well - I was wrong.  We went at noon on a Friday.  I ran into 4 people from my old work.  They come to this Costco cause it's right off the freeway.  Okay - I was looking TOE UP, but that didn't bother me - I rarely brush my hair anyway, but I felt invaded and so uncomfortable.  I felt bad because I cut people short, and was very evasive. I finally told people - sorry I need to leave.  A few laughed remembering how I was at work...some looked puzzled.  It isn't that I don't like these people, I just wasn't prepared.  Anyway - I made a beeline out of that place....will not go back to Costco at lunch time on a weekday!

Tried to not have attitude at work - didn't really work - but at least I had a quite day. I was asked why I didn't take this whole week off - morons.  Anyway - probably should of, but the week was okay none the less.  I'm just catching up on some serious smut TV.

Will try and work on my blog soon.

I'll need to write and reflect sometime soon, but what a weekend. Only got irritated a few times. Brad didn't understand when I say goodbye to mom and dad it has to be quick. No lingering. I do that and I get too upset. Anyway - great weekend. One for the memoary books!

Not once did I think about work and the week to come.