Funny

I don't think I realize how much my jealousy and overall anger overtakes my life. I did something so out of character Friday that I'm still amazed I did. I wasn't going to tell Brad caused I was so embarrassed, but I had to tell someone. Thank God for Brad...cause although I want to strangle him sometimes, he is really the most stable thing in my life. Okay, my work is too. Anyway, my mind is in so many places right now. I am mad, and have no reason why I should be. I am nervous, and have no reason why. My heart won't stop skipping a beat - it hasn't for the last month...I do know why for that.

I've been looking at pictures lately...family and friends and trips... i always laughed at people that did the whole picture thing...but i wish i would have captured more....every picture is special, and makes me remember things, whether it is good or bad or indifferent.... I've wanted to setup another montage of pictures for the last five years or so of Brad and our life, and have few pictures....

speaking of pictures, i found myself cringing at how many pictures someone had up in their house of their wedding... okay these people are "pretty" people, but MAN.... how many times can you look at yourself and think - wow i'm hot...look how great i am...and great i look... maybe i am jeoulous cause i ain't hot, but really.....i look at my only wedding photo up in my office - which only went up a few months ago and thought - look how happy i was... i had a simple wedding - no regrets...wish i had more pictures, good or bad, of friends and family and us, but man - i didn't look that great in those photos but i look happier than i have EVER been. My wedding day was - without sounding like a cliche - the happiest day of my life... without the frills... unlike my friend's, and although i would have enjoyed a bit more, there was something special about mine....and it was me....and it was brad....and it was lovely...

okay - i just threw up in my mouth - i must be trying to reflect on a decade....

One Down

Thanksgiving came and went. It was nice. Nicer than expected. Now preparing for the next holiday - again wondering how it will end up. Ended up sick right before I go to see my parents. I'm afraid to tell them. Hopefully I will feel better - I don't mind going sick - except the idea of getting them sick. It is always life threatening when my Mom gets sick and I couldn't be the one to get her sick. Anyway - looking foward to getting out town - but also afraid. I need to learn to trust more whether it hurts me or not. For some reason I just can't trust those that I should. I guess I don't want to be let down. Gosh I feel like shit. Emotionally I am doing okay, yes - i have outbursts of feelings that seem out of control. I went nuts last night for no real reason.

We met with the new tax guy, stuff has gotten too confusing now. Anyway, he kept saying that everything looks good for us moneywise - that we are on the road to being in a great place when we get older UNLESS a kid comes along, or divorce... he asked about kids... we said no.... and divorce - well we can't afford one.... i can see why people don't get a divorce due to money. However, i could never lead a seperate life and still be married. I guess i shouldn't say never, just that I don't see myself doing that.

I am feeling the need to connect, and because we don't emotionally, i would take physically. It seems like so much work.....almost exhausting. *sigh*

i'm going to nap - i'm fadding fast.

Snap out of it

I can't snap out of whatever is bothering me - can't determine the cause. I started to cry at work today....I'm frustrated and tired of talking. Not sure what the hell is going on. I wasn't going to drink tonight - but of course I did.

Can't

I can't breath - the air in the room is all gone. I don't want to feel anything but me. I hate what I have become, or hate what I am becoming. I am never satisfied, and always have a taste for more - more of what I don't know. I find myself obsessed. Last night I was up at 2 am designing my gage for work - totally obsessed about something so stupid and so easy. It is how I like to deal with most things... I want my life to be complicated. I want a life with meaning. I want to take care of something that needs to be taken care of. I need to be wanted, but don't want to reveal that side. I am slowly giving up. Giving up on the idea of having a normal marriage, social life, and family. I am giving up. I am heading myself to a life of "what ifs" which I will be damned to do. My life is more than what ifs. I don't believe in that... and even if I did - what the fuck would that have gotten me - no where different... maybe a baby sucking on my tits, but I would have no different feelings... i would home alone with a kid wondering "what if"... so - i have these cards, now fucking deal. stop overthinking - stop worrying and fucking stop trying self medicate, to control, to be perfect - and just fucking be.

I hate people. I hate the fucking human spirit because there is none - there is nothing but selfishness.....and god help me if there is a god - because there probably is one that i am betraying. right now my god is keystone - in a fucking blue can that sits with me - is the only thing that looks forward to me - and likes me - doesn't fucking judge or talk shit - just likes me - i don't have to do anything but lift it to my mouth and drink. my kind of person and friend - neither of which is really true - but it works.

man - that was a bit dark - now i am going to listen to some nice music and let it go.....LOL nuttso

what happend to the happy tree guy on pbs - that guy rocked - watched him paint this morning on PBS.... nuts.

Red-white-blue-other

Can't wait till it is over. Wondering what is going to happen. Everyone thinks that Obama's going to win. I don't think so.... I hope so.... but don't think so. Just like I kept saying Bush would win... and he did. I wanted Hilary - I'm still not sure on Obama, but I am getting closer. Hard to wade through the crap. I wouldn't vote for McCain - so I don't have a choice, unless I don't vote at all, which isn't an option to me.

mmmm - we shall see.....

I almost crashed the state car..... i'm still coming down from my high...

I need to get out of Fresno... may go see a Raider game in a few weeks. We haven't been somewhere together over night...

Group Sex

Going to have a family get together this weekend... by force, cause my ass can't say no. Going to take next Monday off just to take a breath.. maybe go to the fair.... i'll be busy all weekend, so that will be a reward.

I am not getting my raise for the PE yet because of an executive order that hasn't been lifted. Got my union raise, but the PE raise is what mattered. Thank God my pocketbook can live without it.....the raise will come eventually, but it may be a long long time.

Drinking heavily again - don't feel good about it - but don't feel like changing.

Someone New

Met a new person in my office at training. He is around my age and was born and raised in Puerto Rico. Very insteresting person. He is an environmental scientist with a pHD. We talked about the restoration project, music and travel.