Someone New

Met a new person in my office at training. He is around my age and was born and raised in Puerto Rico. Very insteresting person. He is an environmental scientist with a pHD. We talked about the restoration project, music and travel.

Hunger pains

So - I'm liking feeling hungry again - just a little dizzy. Maybe I can drop a few pounds. Staying away from the liquid poison is probably helping.

Went and spent 1.5 hrs in the book store - and didn't buy anything - weird really. I had a gift card, but I want to cherish it. I have tons of books at home that haven't been read, so I kept thinking I didn't need another one to collect on my shelf of to-do-read books.

I need a vacation.

Instead of Vegas we decided to try and go deep sea fishing on the north coast for our 10th. Looking foward to that :-)

Tired

I'm Tired

of trying to be perfect
of wanting things I can't have
of this life and how I lead it
of never standing up for who I am
of living a life I wasn't meant to live
of loving my car and beer more than my life
of needing things
of always seeing the negative things
of faking it at work
of being emotionally void at home just to make my life work
of being someone I'm not
of doing what others expect
of holding myself to an expectation that is unattainable but think it is

I'm tired of trying to grow when he never will..........
I'm tired of me.

Can't and Won't

This week was really nice. I did some surveying. Felt like a young engineer and it felt great, although I'm sore from carrying the equipment. I don't give myself time to learn though. If I can't do something in a few seconds - I get irritable. Kind of nuttso really. Once I got the hang of things, man I felt powerful. Trust me, I am not doing anything that is all that difficult, but it takes practice. It is kind of like an art. You can tell when people have done it for awhile - they are seamless.

I could never teach. It is hard when lots of people gather around me... I have a weird social anxiety that puzzles the crap out of me. Something with audiory distriactions.

I started drawing again. THis time - drawing others peoples stuff than what is in my head. For some reason it feels like cheating but I think it may be a great way to inspire me. I am trying to work on a project that I don't think I'll finish in time... kind of pisses me off.

Going to drink today... been a week, actually I haven't touched much of it. it makes me way too emotional. We are going out for icecream for dinner tonight - we have a gift card.

I'm lonely.

Revalations

I'm an idiot.

With a nice car.

FUCKING WOMEN

So - I can't help but think that I bring out the worst in women. Once again I befriend someone at work - who ends up fucking shit up. Do most women - including me - just have to have drama? I try these women relationships and feel like I fail - BIG TIME. I never get together with my previous friend from work - it is too much fucking drama - and too much effort on my part - for not much out of it. Anyway - back to my friend at work - well - she can't resolve shit and had to take of the stuff by going to management - so now all the boys - cause I can't call them men - think that she and I are out to get the guys. One guy is a fucking jerk - and then things go downhill. I was friends with both - but couldn't tolerate the middle school additude - so I started distancing myself from the male - cause he is kind of creapy. I minded my own business - I didn't frickin' gossip - and I still get caught in the middle. I wish I didn't have some need to be social. But then I also yearn for the guys golf and poker games that I will never be invited too - not matter how cool I appear to be.... cause i'm a woman... I give up - I have given up on true friendship at work. If it weren't for one person in my life I would give up on friendship all together. I don't need a lot - but it would be nice to have someone close. Someone I don't mind giving an afternoon or evening to. So thank you to that true friend - one that is with me constantly - no matter how far....

haven't drank in four days (Monday through Thursday), which is a big deal for me. It will be nice to sit down with a beer and a book.

Recommendations

I was told I should write down my feelings. That it may help me put things in perspective. I have thought of starting a journal - I did start a drawing/writing journal, but I can never do it consistently and for very long. Bloggin' is as consistent as I get with regards to writing something and related to things on my mind whether it is the good, bad, or ugly. I do get bored writing about the same shit - I notice if I read my blogs - I have the same shitty themes throughout.

I pulled up in my car, the neighbor that has three cars, two of those are sports cars, saw me in my car and said I look hot. It was kind of funny, I can't figure out his exact age but I'm thinking pushing 50. Newly divorced. I had run out a few Saturday's ago - braless - in boxer shorts - to interrupt him while he was mowing the lawn. I wanted to show off my car - mind you - I was TRASHED. Anyway, I must of hugged and kissed my car 1,000 times in front of him, all the while he was smiling and laughing at me. Then, like a dork, I forgot to close the garage door, so at 10 pm or so we get a knock on the door from him wanting to know if we knew our garage door was open. Anyway, when I saw him today I apologized for my drinking behavior. He smiled and said if that was you drunk, well I would hate for you to see me drunk. I guess my car makes up for my small labia!!!!!! LOL LOL One of the guys at work asked if I was going through a mid-life crisis.

I love my cat.

This sober shit kind of sucks, but necessary.

Snoop makes me horny but so does the guy from the Soprano's.

I don't have much sex, but don't really mind. When I start dreaming of it, it is time to do it.

Fucking already thinking about the holidays - what the fuck!

Calm Life

I had a panic attack yesterday. I have come to the conclusion that I must have stress and worry. I told Brad that I thought our lives were too much about us and not enough about others. That my life would end with a "what the fuck?" I said I feel there is more out there for me and I don't want to look back on life and say what the fuck. He looked freaked out - like a deer in headlights.... i laughed and said - honey - i don't mean with other people. He smiled. I said that it has nothing to do with you as my partner.... but i said that i am freaking out a bit cause i think i want kids.....

I am considering therapy again - I have an overactive imagination when it comes to Brad - like a paralyzing reaction of panic and fear. Then I thought - last time I tried to go to therapy about myself - it was at Kaiser with a Dr. that fucking made it worse - not better - or even in a way that made me think - I left the office in such a panic and freaked state that I thought I was loosing my mind. I want to be able to speak with someone - without some crazy shit about Brad and the fact that he used to hide shit - and although it is the root of some of panic shit - that isn't the point... it isn't the point to give me AA helplines and said yep - he sounds like an alcoholic... fucking i'm more of an alcoholic than him at this point...the first lady I went too - she was more up my alley - but had a waiting list...

I think I'm overindulgent. It is like I need to whip myself or something to make me feel like I am suffering. So - I think I think of bad things to make myself suffer...

Well enough rambling...

one whiskey - one scotch - and one beer.

I can't remember

I had a dream about life 11 years ago - I don't remember much - it pisses me off. I remember what I think is a feeling. I remember a song. I remember a sip. I remember a glance, but no details.