Driving

We took the car for a drive to S.F. for a trip to the fish store. Even though I dressed myself in lotion to protect myself from the sun, the darn sun came down and burnt my ass. I even reapplied that shit. Felt good being in the car, but all I could think of is - do I need religion, maybe even Jesus. Weird really. I feel that I am letting my soul down. I have no idea where that shit came from. I think if I weren't with Brad, I likely would be more into religion. How would I explain that reasoning to God. I digress or I'm just too frickin' sober.

We decided not to do a big trip for our 10-year. Kind of bummed - but given the money we just dished out, we would put ourselves in a stressful situation spending money for a trip. We decided to do a few days in Vegas - maybe do a helicopter tour or something. I guess that will work, but I may end up trying to do something else. for myself I need to quit spending money.

I need to call my folks more. Thank god for three day weekends... started to listen to my first book on cd. It is Michelangelo & the Pope's Ceiling. My sister gave it to me to borrow. I don't think I would generally like listening to books - it is hard for me to understand auditorally, but the guy reading it has a cool accent and says all the names with an Italian accent. Plus - I love the subject.... she gave me another one... too... it is a nice way to fall asleep, but I don't think I'll do it on a regular basis. I always felt books on tape were cheating.

i hate that he watches cops... fucking drives me batty and increases my heart rate about two times.

Panic

Man - I need to write but can't. I may start netflix again. I need to clean my house but can't. Still don't know how to do my job. Feel guilty about the money I make for doing very little. I shouldn't drive my fancy car. I never thought something so materialistic can make someone feel so fucking good. I feel good, but I feel I don't deserve it. Then I think - what the fuck - snap out of it.

I am tired of not taking vacation days so that I can save for when my parents get sick. I am tired of not just taking a frickin' vacation. Wish the hubby liked to travel more - I could just go and travel but then I would feel somewhat guilty and then I did marry him for his companionship - to experience shit. But you know - I will be broke for awhile. My savings is gone.... but at least I can feel SEXY. LOL

I hate that I use "-" I feel like it is a cop out to using really punctuation.

So my co-worker is making her husband go on happy pills so he will stop eating and getting fat. mmmmmm I talked way too much - put myself out there in a way I didn't want to at work... felt like throwing up after.

I miss you......

Waiting

I looked in his truck, the glove box, under the seat - my heart raced. Couldn't open the truck box in the back - it is locked. My heart pounds - I try to push it out. waiting - waiting for it to happen. I don't play fair. I wait. I wait. I am still waiting. I will always wait.

Field Work

I need to slow down at work - go with the flow. Being out in the field where half the time people sit and talk about nothing but will complain about how much work they have just annoys me. A job that should take about 4 hrs, takes 8 hrs... - I guess people heard a verbal sigh of annoyance from me when I wanted to get going to my next gage. My field guy told me I better chill out or I won't last and people won't like me. I told him I didn't give a shit if people like me or not - then he said - well it must be nice being the pissy one as you are the highest paid person out here. Okay - I'll give him that - and I'm cool with some relaxing and chatting - but give me a frickin' break.

Enough complaining -I just need to adapt without feeling like a slacker.

Unplugged

I feel that the world has unplugged me or something. I got my dream car - have my PE - and feel pretty darn good. Nothing is missing besides the world around me... maybe I unplugged myself. Having my niece here has made me realize how much I get into something and then don't see anything else - I guess I tune out much of the world - including Brad. Now I feel my life is coming back to normal - with a car I can't truly afford until after the budget is signed. It possibly was one of the craziest things I've done in awhile - besides get married. Felt kind of good.

Well - my niece left me a nice note. Of course I started crying... my sister cried a bit when she left.

Maybe I can do this unplugged world....

It is done...

I finally completed the one thing I wanted so badly. I thought I would feel different once it was done. I don't feel any smarter - or any more confident - but I do feel free. I feel more like my time is my time only. To pass that darn test meant more to me personally than my career and how I conduct myself at work. A few people that said some not so nice to me things at my old job - sent e-mails congratulating me. Not sure what to make of that. Anyway - it is nice I'm done. My parents sent me flowers - which was nice - but I couldn't stand to be on the phone for more than 10 min. It had been almost 2 months since I last spoke with them. I almost did not call them with the news - but couldn't keep that from them - that would be unfair. I know they are proud - and I know why they distance themselves... I am respecting that - and also - letting them go - I'm tired of fighting to hold on to something that really isn't there.

It is nice to have someone around to take care of. My niece and I cooked when I got home from work - it put me in such a good mood. We put on music and just hung out doing stuff... Maybe I would feel differently with my own kid, but still it makes me wonder. Even my relationship with Brad changes... we give each other glances - and smiles - but there is no need for my obsession on everything he does. I find myself more relaxed with the distraction....