New Year?

So - my last post was the same day last year.  Nuts.  Been thinking about writing something on paper all day.  What a year.  This is how I started my last blog.  Never thought I be writing this blog for this reason.  I am so numb to everything. My rational brain is just fine - my emotional- not so fine. I have been thinking about all of the things I want to write about my Dad.  Most of them, if not all of them are good.  Now i'm wondering if I have selective memory, but why should it matter.

A part of me wants to crawl in a hole.  The other part of me is saying what the hell is wrong with you....get over it - move on.....you have everything so quit your bitching and move the hell on.  My other side says don't listen - mourn how you need to.... cause if not - it will cause you great pain later. So - here are some random thoughts to start me off....

My Dad
-Great
-a good role model
-strict but kind
-judgmental but proud
-not filtered but gentle
-taught grown men to hug one another
-loved children
-loved me
-a provider
-knew all about how stuff worked
-gave good and bad advice
-knew me
-proud of me
-gave hugs and kisses regularly
-defender of his family and specifically his wife
-proud
-stubborn
-never compromised


These are just a few things...

For some reason there is no option for spell check on this version of this blog, I must be missing it.

There is nothing like a Sunday and watching football. Nothing else to do. I sort of wish I could unplug my phone. I suspect I may be receiving some calls today that I really don't want to answer. I want to go underground....

What a year - hoping next year is better. I always hope that. There is always something in any given year that makes me want the next year to be better. I guess if I list the highlights they MAY outweigh the crap things, but it would be pretty close.

I am grateful for the few people I have in my life that keep me grounded and more or less even. At least I know they won't walk over me....

A raider win when be a great start to a new year. Raider win is a good win for the household.

I now can go back obsessing about my easy life.....I was free for the last few days. My mind was blank....and safe....no worries - no thoughts....

I hope I feel better before I go back to work....I would like to enjoy at least one day without feeling like crap but I don't think that is going to be possible. I think I'll go ahead and cuddle up with a new book with football in the background....and maybe drinking some beer....if i can muster up the energy....yesturday's glass tasted DAM good....

Wow - now that was rambling....I'm going to think about starting a weekly blog again....just for shits....cause i actually enjoyed the whole process of it....thinking of crazy idea - taping the idea - editing the idea and then posting the idea....mmm thinking of names - ARP's devotional....Lol LOL I could be the next Oprah! LOL OH GAWD!

Domestic vs. Feral

Wow - what a last few days. Tired as hell and getting sick. Don't want to go back to work so my eye starts twitching again. For sure I am staying home if I feel like crap. Screw it - I got lots to do but I don't care. I'm lucky I have the husband I do. As I'm typing this he is loading the dishwasher and cleaning up. It is like I do the stress part of the relationship and he does the other stuff...okay maybe not - he still can't clean a stove or a sink...or a toliet.

Brad called me a feral wife at work. He brought in cookies I made to work and a lady asked - oh so you have a domestic wife - he responded no - she is feral.... i was sort of offended....okay a lot offended - why - for several reasons. The biggest being that I still feel inadequate when it comes to being a woman...sad but true.... makes me wish i were a man at times.... i know he meant well - but it struck a cord. although we are breaking molds everyday, I still have a huge side of me that likes to take care of people and the house and "domestic" things but feel I don't do those well or need to do more.... I am tired of being seen as just a good "wage earner"...weird really..I want to be a "good wife." One of my co-workers who is a man said it doesn't matter what you look like if you earn a good wage....i almost smacked him...chinese fool....what the fuck...anyway...i wouldn't wish for a 50s marriage and I know I could do what I wanted to do in this one....just made me think....

Anyway - too tired to type anymore, but I do love this keyboard for my ipad!

Today was a bit better of a day.  Yesterday was not so great.  I was VERY emotional and I couldn't really sort out why.  I am extremely overwhelmed at work.  Expectations are higher than normal.  However, today I managed to straiten myself out a bit. 

I have a lot going on inside my head lately.  I wish it would stop - it is interrupting my sleep.  I don't play well with others.  I'm short with people that I shouldn't be short with.  Not looking forward to my appraisal this year.  I looked at my one from last year and my marks were probably the highest I've gotten in my career really.  I'm wondering if I have reached my peak and now it is all downhill.  That is a scary thought.

I'm trying to read more.  I can't believe the crap I get for reading alone at lunch at work.  A few people can't believe I do it for fun.  What is the world coming too.  It soothes me - I bitch about life and work less.  Both good things.

I smoked a bit with a friend this weekend.....kind of fun.... :-)  I wonder if this is public!!! LOL

Anyway - I'm rambling.  I just thought I would write some stuff down....

My old boss told me I was crazy to go back to the Regional Board - that I shouldn't apply again now that I've been rejected.  She thinks the fact they even made an issue about me being "blacklisted" may mean I am!!! LOL

I've given up on Jill and Matt...I don't think I want either in my life.

Connections

We are still connected in a weird way I can't explain. We look at each other and exchange words without speaking. The attraction is there but hidden. It doesn't feel wrong but if we saw each other much it could be. I think we both keep our distance - minimize and forget - then we see each other and dam. He held her hand tight and I held his hand tighter.

I wonder if either notice. Mine may. His is too young.

Friday

Getting ready for company...cleaning....sucks to do at the start of the weekend but a bit refreshing.

I need to call some people this weekend...sigh...don't want to but probably should.

First day of not having a headache. 

I'm too hard on myself....I think I am a masochists cause I'm not happy any other way.  I am suppose to be reflecting on why I think nothing is good enough including myself...i find myself laughing a lot about it.

Why I don't care is what is scaring me.

I know I should be grateful but I'm a bit tired of my family. Frickin calling and then calling my parents when I don't answer. The only time I pick up the phone is for Pauline and my parents. My parents drama is the only one I can accept in my life right now. Already Pauline needs too much attention. I neglect texting her and I get a guilt trip. I'm tired. I want to be left alone with my husband. I'm already struggling with that relatationship. I don't need to worry about others. I'm Tired of being the go to person in my family. I'm tired.

My mom started to cry on the phone today. Felt guilty I didn't send a card or anything. Again I'm tired. I'm grateful for my family but somebody characterized my life as a drama. I don't think so. It is life, which at times could have some drama. Sigh.

Anyway- need to stop feeling sorry for myself. Did some yard work this morning. Felt good. Going to do some more housework. Brads buddy is coming next weekend. Excited.