Obsessing

I can't sleep. I am completely obsessing about work and the fact that I didn't get that promotion. I think it was attitude and emotions. My inability to keep my mouth shut and to conrol my opinions. Its an asset but my downfall. My boss is an idiot. There is nothing he has done that I couldn't do. Until he shows me otherwise I will remain pissed off and unhappy. I'm thinking why I left the board. I'm sure I would not have been promoted there either. I can't help but feel less when I shouldn't. I never had my eye on management. I knew it could cause harm to me and my home life. My stress level would go up astonomically. All bad things - so I lay here and ask myself why do I even give a shit. Be happy - do a good job and move on.

The therapist asked what I wanted out of life. I said I wish I could simply stay home - fuck like minks and raise rug rats. No joke. The look on Brads face was priceless. The therapist must have repeated that twice more. I curse like a sailor and I couldnt believe I used part of a line from basic instinct. What movie will I use next time?

I am suppose to work on being less parent and more child. I'm working on it!

Getting in the mind set to head back to work - then we go back to therapy.  Reflect on the weekend I guess.  Been a weird long weekend.  I'm feeling a bit anxious but better than I thought.  I've spent the last few days thinking about marriage and the pledge I made - I intend to stay true to that pledge for better or worse....I'm pretty selfish person in general - trying to focus on just being there for him - not judging - or questioning - just being and loving - is weird.  Not sure how this round will be different from others but I hope it is. We will figure it out and if we don't we will muddle through. It is what it is - life is unpredictable - the one thing I hate the most and have limited coping skills for - unpredictability.  I just don't want to be duped.  Therapist asked if I had ever been let down in my life - I respond as I always have - nope - my life and my childhood has been nice and fairly uneventful.  I am grateful.

We decided to make our anniversary trip 1st priority - no more canceling things because of money or other things that we see may get in the way.  I'm happy for that.

My brother Murry stopped by this morning with the wife - just for an hour or so for coffee.  It was a nice visit.  He asked if we wanted to vacation with them...for their anniversary next year - chip in for a house rental in DC.  mmmmmmm nope....i didn't come out and say it - but I did say likely not....but that we would try and visit.

Life is weird....shoot - I want that on a poster instead of this live laugh and love shit - just "life is weird" cause it is....

My stomach is hurting again....even as I type....need to draw some more....I made a portfolio of sorts - put all my drawings in a binder with protective covers....kind of fun...to just look through them quickly before going and starting the next drawing.

I was able to have sex this weekend - surprising....really but not really....healthy way to expend some energy - i just kept thinking i don't want to give up on us.....ever....i wish i could go through life not caring about a goddamn thing or even thinking about anything....just work - eat - make some love - and sleep.....but I can't....I have to do this thinking thing and it kills me every time.

SMELL ME

This is Brad's favorite so far. Not sure it is mine.  Drawing is much easier than writing - that is for sure.

BIG KISS

Starting 12 hour night levee patrol. Only have to do it a few days a month until flow subside. I'm hoping to switch to Saturday so I can bank some serious overtime.