How much

How much is too much? Consume till you drop buy because that is all you have power over. You have no power except over yourself but that is where one feels the least. The need to control is simply overwhelming. It makes me drown. My thoughts are not my own.

Hope

Hope all is okay. Thinking of you . AlwAys grateful. Nothing perfect but somehow is. Was moved to tears by simple things today. Try go put up front. Take care my friend come back.

Really?

Not sure why I celebrate x-mas - don't get the jesus thing - at least all the time. I was thinking about it when I walked out of my bedroom and into my great room and saw this enormous tree that i spent a day decorating - for what? It does make me feel good - reminds me of when i was a child. I had great christmas', my parents, despite fighting and bickering or generic gifts provided our family with such love and fun. it is why christmas is hard - without kids. but really - what does it mean.

my sister said a prayer to herself at thanksgiving - made me wonder why i couldn't say one at my own table.

Try Again

Going to try and do this blog thing. Good way to keep in touch with the special person in my life.

Tried to get into the hot tub again today - go a rash again - hope it is stress - cause i love that hot tub.

Fuck me Gently

I can't even blog once a month....
My weekend sucks
Friends want my time - I don't want to give it
He is beyond frustrated and so am I

proud of myself that it is 5 pm and i haven't cracked open a beer

thinking of going into therapy - don't want to do marriage counseling but i'm starting to swing more than usual and it is driving me crazy....and the people around me.

I miss my co-worker but sad cause things will change...

the want to work towards something or be something becomes overwhelming.

i am lucky he is calm. i would have smacked me - maybe he is right....don't want him to be but maybe he is...maybe i can't admit certain things to myself.

i can't have it all - everything is not perfect....

i'm great full for my sister...i need to call her...

i volunteered my house to my sister heidi for her 40th b-day - she made fun of my house for not having a pool and being out in the middle of nowhere but now she wants to invite a bunch of people here and have a party - i said yes - i will end up paying - BUT i asked pauline to help me plan....frickin' why i answer the phone intoxicated - i don't know...

don't think i'll visit my parents....should - but don't feel like it.

i want to see my friend up north - get and give hugs....miss her...

i started thinking - wow - i should be proud it is 5:11 pm and still no drink....

Funny

I don't think I realize how much my jealousy and overall anger overtakes my life. I did something so out of character Friday that I'm still amazed I did. I wasn't going to tell Brad caused I was so embarrassed, but I had to tell someone. Thank God for Brad...cause although I want to strangle him sometimes, he is really the most stable thing in my life. Okay, my work is too. Anyway, my mind is in so many places right now. I am mad, and have no reason why I should be. I am nervous, and have no reason why. My heart won't stop skipping a beat - it hasn't for the last month...I do know why for that.

I've been looking at pictures lately...family and friends and trips... i always laughed at people that did the whole picture thing...but i wish i would have captured more....every picture is special, and makes me remember things, whether it is good or bad or indifferent.... I've wanted to setup another montage of pictures for the last five years or so of Brad and our life, and have few pictures....

speaking of pictures, i found myself cringing at how many pictures someone had up in their house of their wedding... okay these people are "pretty" people, but MAN.... how many times can you look at yourself and think - wow i'm hot...look how great i am...and great i look... maybe i am jeoulous cause i ain't hot, but really.....i look at my only wedding photo up in my office - which only went up a few months ago and thought - look how happy i was... i had a simple wedding - no regrets...wish i had more pictures, good or bad, of friends and family and us, but man - i didn't look that great in those photos but i look happier than i have EVER been. My wedding day was - without sounding like a cliche - the happiest day of my life... without the frills... unlike my friend's, and although i would have enjoyed a bit more, there was something special about mine....and it was me....and it was brad....and it was lovely...

okay - i just threw up in my mouth - i must be trying to reflect on a decade....