Plants - Random

Spent most of my day placing house plants in my bedroom. The only place the cats won't get them. I love plants... and if I didn't have pets - they would be everywhere.

Broke my frickin' vacuum that cost more than I want to admit and because dyson stuff is different - i can't fix that shit myself.... grrrrrr.

My nephew graduated... goes to court next month.

Drinking mocha's again - dahm it.

Ate a piece of my cheese cake and ate way too much pasta salad.

Brad's addicted to cops.

Nervous but looking forward to my niece coming.

Wish i could figure out something constructive to do with a talent I seem to not have.

I was thinking - if I could write - I would ask someone if they wanted to start writing a book by each writing one paragraph each at a time (go back and forth) ....... but i would be afraid of not being able to have enough creativity to do that...

he said at his retirement party - no regrets. the staff at his first job where he was supervisor said much better - fun things about him. I didn't say anything - i wasn't drinking and I was doped on xanex... but staff from the Fresno office were lame... people asked me to go out with them afterwards - i couldn't do it.

Nothing?

My sister told me that I should never have something to worry about. That she truely sees my life as close to perfect as it gets. I said nothing back. Kind of interesting though.

I am going to Bert's retirement party - going to see old Regional Board buddies....Sober....*sigh*

D - you are always in my thoughts....and I miss you.....

Sober

I feel like I have so much more time when I'm not drinking. Instead of drinking tonight I went and got a haircut - exercised for an 1-hour - and cooked a nice dinner. Then had a nice quiet dinner with the hubby - no t.v. just talking about our day. Tonight would be a perfect evening. I hope to have many more to come.

I think this is only my 2nd day since I drank last. Oh well - day by day.

Trust

I can't even trust myself. I am discovering that I have more of a need to be liked than I even thought I did. I hate myself for that. Sometimes I ask myself - what is my motivation for doing some of the things I do - that I later think I shouldn't of done. Most are out of pure concern - never out of malice. I never want to hurt anyone - or say something just to be liked - but I do put myself out there way too much. I am neither mysterious or guarded. All I want is for people to get along - at least at work.

Harmony in my house - not so much. Saying something not to hurt the one you love - not so much. I have never felt harmony in my adult life. I never allow or think I deserve harmony. It is the forbidden fruit. The "d" word has come up again - it is like I bait him. Do I really want to be apart from someone that I so deeply love. We have nothing in common - wait - i take that back - our common sense is the same. How we view money is the same - our core values - very similar. How we like to spend our free time - not so much. How we view the world and giving - not so much. How we relax and interact with others - not so much. However, there is something about this man that is so special that I can't let go - although sometimes - we both think it would be easier.

I need to find something else to blog about.