Any respect I had is now gone. Now I need a pair of nuts and be prepared cause I can only handle so much.

Fuck You!

He is right I am worried about how this effects me and Brad, first. His needs are secondary. My family comes first.

Fuck You!

Headache and awake - my own dam fault.  We drank like fish last night.  It was a good night - lots of hot tubing, talking and laughing.  Would miss that if I were to pop one out, but I think other things would make up for it.  It is hard to let go of doing what we did last night - although we could do it - just less often.  We decided that we will continue to stick with the original plan and if need be - change it. 

Brad put ribs in the crock pot overnight - they smell wonderful and I hate ribs.

The senior exam is the 7th - not really nervous - actually - not even thinking about it.  It is what it is.  I should be preparing for it - not sure how though....

not sure what to do with all these days off.  I have housework to do - plus I need  to get the guest room clean for Pauline.  I'm glad she is staying the night.

I can't believe  how awake I am right now....DAM DRINK.

Not sure what my life is suppose to be like.  All I want is for the people around me to be happy, as well as wanting my own happiness.  I find myself feeling guilty when I am happy.  Like this can't be right.  I must be getting something wrong. I don't think I am....  I think my anticipation of unhappiness makes me unhappy.  If that makes sense.

He called me at work - it was like a 5-year old at Christmas.  His dream tank came - he was so excited.  It was the same excitement as when I got my BMW.  It was refreshing - to see him like that.  I said "won't your folks go nuts."  He said my folks will think it is cool but that I went nuts, but that you were nuttier for letting it happen.  I think it is great that we are just going for it.... yeah - it was one of our dumb financial mistakes - we should be saving for...blah blah blah....he asked if I regret we did it.  I said hell no....what makes him happy - makes me happy...I smile typing that.

The tax guy will kill us if we end up pregnant - we laugh we will need to give him a gift basket....

I think I expect too much from people and myself. The dreams don't stop.