Sometimes I wish I could take my best friend and move to an island. I know I woud miss hm but really.

Let him be okay. She shouldn't have to go through a loss like this. I hadn't seen him in a few years, but lately he has been around. He is an engineer. She has said several times I remind her of him. He has nobody. That is what she kept saying, but they won't let her see him. He stresses too much she says.

I pray for him to be okay.

The good thing it takes my mind away from myself and also makes me grateful of the people in my life.

I must have told Brad I Love You a million times last when we settled in our bed. He comes through more than anyone else in my life.

I was just thinking yesturday while making dinner how lucky I was to have my family.

He hasn't told anyone in the family but us. I think it should stay like that for a bit. At least keep it from my parents.

I need to quit worrying about money. The more I make the more I spend.

My mind is racing - I have a headache - and I can't sleep. Guess tomorrow is Monday. Reading a book that finally got good but am scared I'll stay up too long reading it! Only a few hundred pages to go.

Did some drawing today. Only one came out fairly well - I guess. I'm thinking about scanning them and then doing something with them. I won't feel really good until I draw something from my head but that could be awhile. I know I'm not gifted but I find it very relaxing.

Working a new blog - season 2 in my head. Not there yet but it will come!

Trying to describe my current duties on paper is hard. I think I'm more than I am. I make fun of people like that but I may be one. Brad recommended I drink and then just write - "I'm the shit bitch" lol lol gosta love him!

I was told I was an over achiever - my response back was that if I was an over achiever - I'd be a better wife.

We are going as a unit - except the boss- to work the Fresno fair! It feels good to have some comradarie in the unit. We've never done this. If I become a boss - I want to promote some of that. But just a little.

Today was a rough day.

Letter To Hilary

So - this is what I want to send to Hilary...what do you think.....I may wait until after this HIGH and after my parents wedding anniversary in January.


Dear Hilary,


I want to write to you so that you can understand where I am coming from, and that you don’t hear this from anyone else but me.

There are several times you have hurt me, and it has nothing to do with you not coming to “my parties.” In fact the idea that you think they are “my parties,” hurts me. I open my home to our family so we can be a family. Dena’s bridal shower was not “my party” but hers. I have always opened my home to you and Sam for holidays and otherwise.


First off, I wasn’t upset about not being “the guestbook” person at your wedding, but because we weren’t sisters – I was slave labor. All of your sister’s were. We weren’t there to share an experience – we were there to be your help. But I’m not sure I remember you helping at mine or Heidi’s but I don’t want to be petty. So, obviously we don’t stress you out when we are your help. We didn’t all come together and just acknowledge this big day with you, but instead were avoided. I didn’t come to your rehearsal dinner because I wasn’t going to be there as family but to help setup. I didn’t want to be part of the wedding, but I did want to be part of your life. Don’t get me wrong – I would have loved to help – shoot – Pauline extended herself several times, but we weren’t asked until the last minute… at that time – I didn’t want to help. It was very clear at your bridal shower that you didn’t want your sister’s involved, and that hurt – it actually stung. I left the shower embarrassed and hurt.


I don’t want to sit and list things. I know mentally things can be hard for you, and frankly – I’ve always had sympathy– but not now – I’m tired. So, sorry if I haven’t been there for you, or made an extra effort to make sure you are included in my life, or our family’s life.


I hope this letter will actually help us come together, and not further separate us. If it does, I am truly sorry, but I wanted to let you know where I was coming from.

Love you always,


Alexis

I refuse to start Sunday listening to sports center!

I hate that it gets light later. It is 6:30am. I want my coffee in the light.

I'm marking my calendar!!!!

I think I need to be like everyone else - not sure what that means - but I see something I may want - and it is truly disturbing me....

I hope I get a good nights sleep - I'm sure that between the alcohol and caffeine is causing some of this insomnia.  I am working on significantly reducing both with mixed results.

Opened a bottle of wine for the blog - had the one or two sips and then threw it out....didn't feel right....