Snap out of it

I can't snap out of whatever is bothering me - can't determine the cause. I started to cry at work today....I'm frustrated and tired of talking. Not sure what the hell is going on. I wasn't going to drink tonight - but of course I did.

Can't

I can't breath - the air in the room is all gone. I don't want to feel anything but me. I hate what I have become, or hate what I am becoming. I am never satisfied, and always have a taste for more - more of what I don't know. I find myself obsessed. Last night I was up at 2 am designing my gage for work - totally obsessed about something so stupid and so easy. It is how I like to deal with most things... I want my life to be complicated. I want a life with meaning. I want to take care of something that needs to be taken care of. I need to be wanted, but don't want to reveal that side. I am slowly giving up. Giving up on the idea of having a normal marriage, social life, and family. I am giving up. I am heading myself to a life of "what ifs" which I will be damned to do. My life is more than what ifs. I don't believe in that... and even if I did - what the fuck would that have gotten me - no where different... maybe a baby sucking on my tits, but I would have no different feelings... i would home alone with a kid wondering "what if"... so - i have these cards, now fucking deal. stop overthinking - stop worrying and fucking stop trying self medicate, to control, to be perfect - and just fucking be.

I hate people. I hate the fucking human spirit because there is none - there is nothing but selfishness.....and god help me if there is a god - because there probably is one that i am betraying. right now my god is keystone - in a fucking blue can that sits with me - is the only thing that looks forward to me - and likes me - doesn't fucking judge or talk shit - just likes me - i don't have to do anything but lift it to my mouth and drink. my kind of person and friend - neither of which is really true - but it works.

man - that was a bit dark - now i am going to listen to some nice music and let it go.....LOL nuttso

what happend to the happy tree guy on pbs - that guy rocked - watched him paint this morning on PBS.... nuts.

Red-white-blue-other

Can't wait till it is over. Wondering what is going to happen. Everyone thinks that Obama's going to win. I don't think so.... I hope so.... but don't think so. Just like I kept saying Bush would win... and he did. I wanted Hilary - I'm still not sure on Obama, but I am getting closer. Hard to wade through the crap. I wouldn't vote for McCain - so I don't have a choice, unless I don't vote at all, which isn't an option to me.

mmmm - we shall see.....

I almost crashed the state car..... i'm still coming down from my high...

I need to get out of Fresno... may go see a Raider game in a few weeks. We haven't been somewhere together over night...

Group Sex

Going to have a family get together this weekend... by force, cause my ass can't say no. Going to take next Monday off just to take a breath.. maybe go to the fair.... i'll be busy all weekend, so that will be a reward.

I am not getting my raise for the PE yet because of an executive order that hasn't been lifted. Got my union raise, but the PE raise is what mattered. Thank God my pocketbook can live without it.....the raise will come eventually, but it may be a long long time.

Drinking heavily again - don't feel good about it - but don't feel like changing.