Friday

Getting ready for company...cleaning....sucks to do at the start of the weekend but a bit refreshing.

I need to call some people this weekend...sigh...don't want to but probably should.

First day of not having a headache. 

I'm too hard on myself....I think I am a masochists cause I'm not happy any other way.  I am suppose to be reflecting on why I think nothing is good enough including myself...i find myself laughing a lot about it.

Why I don't care is what is scaring me.

I know I should be grateful but I'm a bit tired of my family. Frickin calling and then calling my parents when I don't answer. The only time I pick up the phone is for Pauline and my parents. My parents drama is the only one I can accept in my life right now. Already Pauline needs too much attention. I neglect texting her and I get a guilt trip. I'm tired. I want to be left alone with my husband. I'm already struggling with that relatationship. I don't need to worry about others. I'm Tired of being the go to person in my family. I'm tired.

My mom started to cry on the phone today. Felt guilty I didn't send a card or anything. Again I'm tired. I'm grateful for my family but somebody characterized my life as a drama. I don't think so. It is life, which at times could have some drama. Sigh.

Anyway- need to stop feeling sorry for myself. Did some yard work this morning. Felt good. Going to do some more housework. Brads buddy is coming next weekend. Excited.

Beach

Up at 5:30 am sitting on a deck waiting for the sun to rise. Not only was I out of town on vacation the last few weeks on the coast but had to come back to work to goto the coast again. We' re staying at a hotel right on the beach because somebody knows how to work the system. I'm not complaining this is a great way to start a long ass day.

Talked a lot with a new guy from our Sacramento office. Good advice I guess. One of my co workers seems to have no problems. I think those people who seem to have it together don't. If they do then I envey that shit.

The beach - coffee - mornings. I'm grateful.